Tag Archives: self improvement

The 5 P’s of Power

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Up until recently, I rarely thought about or discussed the idea of power. I don’t know about you, but my friends and I didn’t sit around the table sipping frappuccinos, asking “do you think you’re powerful?” In fact, the word ‘power’ used to make me cringe, evoking images of warlords, politicians, and corruption. Power wasn’t something I wanted, nor was it something I believed I had.

But a year ago, as I woke up in my small NYC city apartment and stared at the ceiling, I started to notice my normal internal dialogue was ridden with self-doubt. I didn’t believe I was good enough at my job, I didn’t believe I was smart enough or pretty enough; I didn’t believe I was a good enough writer or a good enough friend. In essence, I didn’t believe I was powerful.

This realization shook me to my core, because growing up, I believed I could do anything. At some point, however, amidst societal expectations of success, academic and career disappointments, and self-perpetuated fears, my inner power had dimmed. So, I began the journey to get it back, and the first step to getting it back was realizing that power is something each of us inherently has.

Regardless of whether we believe it, each of us if gifted with power. Power is merely the ability to make changes in this world, big or small. We can all do small, yet powerful acts every day—supporting friends and family when they’re struggling, making people laugh, utilizing our talents in sports or in the arts or doing a random act of kindness. If you don’t think you can positively affect people’s days, take a moment to view power inversely. A mean act or insult can so easily negatively impact our day. When we use our power to criticize or insult someone, we are exercising our power to bring pain and suffering upon others. When we unleash our power to pursue our goals or to improve a friend’s day, we bring joy into the world.

It is easy to feel powerless in a world where so much needs to be done. During times when we feel this way, we can reharness our power by focusing on what I call the 5 P’s of Power:

1. Passion: What are you passionate about? What activity makes you lose track of time? What brings you pure and unhindered joy? When we reconnect with what brings us joy, we find ourselves attuning with our inherent creative nature, which, when unleashed, empowers us. Passion ignites creation and creation is an act of power.

2. Personal Strengths: What are you good at? What traits, as seemingly trivial as they appear, make you proud? Maybe it’s your ability to listen, run long distances, take beautiful photographs, or make delicious food. Maybe you’re a wonderful motivator or extremely organized. When we focus on our positive attributes, we can better visualize our purpose in the world, which helps us tap into our power.

3. Push: Push the boundaries. An easy way to diminish our power is by placing self-imposed limits on what is possible. We do not live in confined boxes; the world is full of endless and vast opportunities and experiments. Take some informed risks, and I’m not just talking about bungee jumping or skydiving. Reach out to someone you admire and ask to meet them for coffee. Take a road trip to an unknown place. Host a dinner party and invite people you just met. Create a blog. Read poetry at an open mic night. Write an article on an issue you’re concerned about. Take that small step outside of your comfort zone to share yourself and your gifts with the world and watch how things unfold.

4. Perseverance: Some things (most things!) don’t come easy. This is okay. We stumble upon obstacles that set us back; we face criticism that lead us to doubt our power; and we struggle financially. This is all part of the process. Disappointments don’t mean we should stop moving forward, but rather that we need to refocus on taking the tiny step in front of us. Power lies in the subtle decisions—the decision to get up earlier in the morning; the decision to make a few phone calls asking for help; the decision to keep going despite the voice inside ridden with doubt.

5. Patience: Actualizing our dreams and goals can take time. There are times when we so badly want to catalyze a change and it doesn’t happen in the time frame we want. Instead of feeling frustrated, we need to carve time out to take a breath and let things unfold as are. Becoming frustrated will only waste energy. Save that energy to create, refocus, and move forward. Breathing in fresh life and perspective to our goals ignites a dim spark of power into a fiery flame.

Each of us has inherent power. The easiest way we gave it up is by denying that we have it. The question then is not “are you powerful?” but “how are you going to use your power?”

Photo credit: http://www.trendsnow.net/2011/12/cihan-alpgiray.html/cihan-alpgiray-04
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Boundaries: The WHY Underneath

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In my previous article, I merely laid the foundation for a discussion on boundaries, now let’s look deeper at three cornerstones essential to the boundaries in your life.

Boundaries. They sound about as exciting as putting on a straight jacket. Unless you understand the WHY behind them, boundaries seem restrictive, rather than empowering. WHY gives them purpose, lays the foundation for you to build upon, and is what will keep you committed when it’s hard, painful, and you’re ready to throw in the towel.

You have to own this “why,” believe it is the core of who you are, and decide it is worth it for YOU. It is your WHY that you will keep coming back to as your relationships change, as you grow, and as seasons come and go.

There must be three cornerstones to your WHY:

1. YOU have value.
Some of you need to sit with that for a while. Seriously. Take a moment and really let that sink in. You were made with a purpose, in this time and place, with your particular gifts and talents, for a reason. You are unique and the world needs you to be fully alive, to be able to give extravagantly, love completely, and live exceptionally. But you cannot do that if you don’t first see yourself for the amazing woman that you are.

Some of you have been told that you don’t matter, that you’re a joke, a waste of a life, or someone no one will ever love. Your story is littered with the footprints of people walking over you on their way through.

But the truth is, you DO matter. And you deserve to be protected and treated as such. As you see yourself, so those around you will begin to view you. Respect yourself and others will respect you. This is why boundaries are so key. They keep you from being taken advantage of, abused, used, forgotten or unwanted. They demand that you be treated as the incredibly beautiful and exceptional woman that you are. But until YOU begin to believe that, no one else will. And boundaries become meaningless, because really, why go to such an effort to guard and protect something that has no value?

2. Time + Emotions= Finite
What is that one pair of shoes, way too expensive pair of jeans or special occasion outfit that you are meticulous about keeping in pristine condition? How many hours and dollars have you spent this past month on workouts, specialty foods, and skincare/make-up products in order to keep your body looking and feeling healthy?

Now, how many hours have you spent in meaningless, even painful relationships? Your time is not infinite. You have a limited amount, and once you take out the time in a day you spend sleeping, working, eating, and other necessary parts of life…there’s not too much left.

What about your heart? Your soul? Your emotions? We’ve bought into the lie that it’s perfectly normal, even expected, to put your heart through a meat grinder time and again in the pursuit of love. Then we wonder why all we’re left with are broken pieces that become increasingly difficult to but back together.

Both your time and your emotions are costly. You don’t get them back. More than your jeans and Jimmy Choos, you must be diligent about protecting these two intagible parts of yourself. Boundaries will distinguish between what relationships have meaningful potential and what are going to be life-long drains. Be intentional about seeking out and pursuing the former, while deliberately cutting out the later.

3. Relationships are the Color of Life.
You and I were meant to be in relationship. To know and be known by others. If you’re reading this, you agree. You cannot be a Confidant without someone confiding in you! Relationships make or break life. Trouble in a relationship clouds everything, even if work is going great, or you have a fantastic apartment and the most amazing shoe collection. But good relationships almost make you forget about the shoe box apartment you live in, the shoestring budget your forced to live on, or the endless table waiting that has become your career.

You do not, however, build good, healthy, life-giving relationships by accident. They take work. Lots of work. They require you to be intentional and understanding, to have balance and even sacrifice. Boundaries are the framework upon which you build out the substance and depth that will help you go the distance. They keep your relationship in balance, keep expectations in check and protect both individuals–thereby protecting the relationship as well.

Consider this your 30,000 foot bird’s eye view, as you pull back to look at the big picture. Next week we’ll dive down to the micro level with some practical boundaries that will help you get where you want to go. Until then, establish and believe your WHY!

 

Photo Credit:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/trekgrl/

Mr. Right

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Snow White, prettiest girl around, gets tricked by her bad, bad stepmother into eating a poisoned apple and falls down dead. Prince Charming shows up, falls madly in love with her, kisses her, and she wakes up and marries him. Happily Ever After. If only it were that easy!

Most of us long for romance and marriage, to be known intimately, and to build a relationship of trust, loyalty, and love that lasts until death.

But how do we get there?

This hunt for Mr. Right can become all consuming. For women, the process should really start within our own selves. There are questions that need to be answered, or at least considered, before trying to find the great love of our life:

Who are you, at the deepest core?

What are you passionate about?

What values do you live your life by?

Are you pursuing what is most important to you?

Value systems are hugely important in marriage. People divorce over money, family involvement, unresolved conflict, child rearing, faith differences, and unmet expectations. All of these are value conflicts. You must know what is most important to you in life so that you can correctly judge whether or not another person values the same things you do.

Many times pursuing your passion will bring you into a group of people who have the same values at heart, and that is a great starting point for any relationship, including friendship. Not that you need to find a bunch of robots that think just like you, because that is just boring, but forming a group of friends who like to think and discuss ideas and plans that thrill and challenge you–what could be better?

What you have to offer another person is YOU–the best and the worst versions. If you are subconsciously waiting to form that around another person, you are planting a garden of disappointment and delusion for you and your future spouse.

The best way to find the right kind of man for you is to be following a purpose, a plan, a track you have set for your life; one that is challenging and exciting and fulfills you in the deepest sense. Then one day, you will look around and see that there is a fellow following his own track, and it is running parallel to yours. Take a good look at him. He’s probably a keeper.

We don’t know much about Snow White’s Prince Charming, except that he shows up at just the right time. He makes his grand entrance and things are put right. Give yours a little more time. In the end he’ll be worth the wait.

 

Photo Credit: Toma Evsukova

The Character of Beauty: Love

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Love is an action, a decision, a choice. Love does not require that we like the person on the receiving end, and in fact the most powerful forms of love occur when the one we love is an enemy or someone who has wronged us.

Love is a selfless act. It demands that we set aside our wants and desires in order to meet the needs of others. Love forgives quickly and serves readily. Love calls for sacrifice.

As a newlywed, I’ve learned more about love this year than I did in the past twenty-four. I know the statements above to be true because day in and day out, I either see them in action, or see things fall apart when they are missing.

Aside from this first year of marriage, I experienced real, life-changing love during several difficult years of battling anorexia during college. Consumed with coping with my own pain and emotionally numb, I truly had nothing to offer those around me. I felt worthless and unlovable; looking back I can see that while my actual worth never changed, I certainly was a hard-to-love friend. Nonetheless, my friends stood by me.

Greta met with me weekly and sent me a daily note of encouragement, affirming how loved and valuable I was in the eyes of others, but most importantly in the eyes of God. Jessica invited me to coffee and became a safe person to vent my feelings to. Erin showed me that it was okay to be hurting, and there was no shame in getting help. Kasey, seeing the depth of my illness, had the courage to tell my family how sick I really was so that I could get the care I needed. Rachel took me shopping when I was forced to gain back the weight and my clothes didn’t fit anymore. Karli–having known me since I was in elementary school–reminded me of who I really was and helped me see how far away I’d gotten from my true self.

Those women loved me when I was unlovable. It’s shameful to admit that they got no love in return–at least, not at that time. Yet, they showed up for me. They saw I was hurting and decided to lay aside their own needs in order to help me heal.

Love can be an ugly process, but it always has a beautiful outcome. Difficult as it is to muster up energy to consciously love others, love is highly contagious when we encounter it. When we are struck with the privilege of being loved by someone else, we can’t help but pay it forward, passing it along to another person in need.

That’s why it’s so important that we cultivate this quality, girls. We need to choose love over self-obsession and let it spread, infecting those around us. As we make the choice to love our grumpy coworkers, our crazy families, and the underprivileged people who are always around us, we will make the world a more beautiful place–all the while being transformed ourselves in the process.

 

Read the rest of the articles in the 6 part series “The Character of Beauty” here.

 

Photo Credit: Google.ca

The Character of Beauty: Compassion

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Compassion can be defined as a sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it. Or, in simpler terms, compassion is kindness that is moved to action.

That kind of character is what I see when I think of Pam Cope, a woman who is changing the world every day because of her small acts of compassion. Struck by the poverty she and her husband witnessed while visiting an orphanage in Vietnam, she knew she wanted to change the lives of the children who had to beg on the streets for survival.

They started by renting a small apartment in Saigon to house 15 street children, providing them with food, clothing, education, and family. A few months later, they rented another house and brought 15 more children to safety.

In 2006, Pam’s compassion moved her once again. She saw a little boy named Mark on the front page of The New York Times and knew she had to do something. His story tugged her heart so much that she coordinated a trip to Africa so that she could rescue him from slavery.

Pam’s actions went way beyond kindness and sympathy, and her compassion has saved thousands of children’s lives through Touch A Life Foundation—an organization she founded to advocate for trafficked and vulnerable children and provide long-term care for kids in Ghana, Vietnam and Cambodia.

It’s important for us all to remember that while Pam is doing powerful things to create positive change, she is just a woman who saw dire need and decided to act. Just like her, we can be women of compassion when we see injustice, tragedy or heartbreak.

Here are some ways we can live out compassion in our daily lives:

-Serve food at a homeless shelter.
-Volunteer at a charity or organization you believe in.
-Sponsor a child through World Vision or Compassion International.
-Spend time with older people in nursing homes.
-Send care packages to the troops.
-Use our past difficulties to encourage someone in a tough time (for example, a friend who is dealing with the death of a loved one).
-When we see injustice, ask ourselves what we can do to make it right—we might end up changing the world like Pam!

For more information about Touch A Life Foundation, please visit TouchALifeKids.org.

Read the rest of the articles in the 6 part series “The Character of Beauty” here.

 

Photo Credit:  http://modernhepburn.tumblr.com/post/13700728496

“Dang it, I Want a Cookie!”

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There is this perpetual saying that all girls seem to know, so deep in code that we question whether guys will ever catch on. Hang around a group of girls for–oh, let’s say 15 seconds–when yummy food has just been served, and you’ll hear this ancient adage being spoken out several times. It reeks with disgust for one’s self, yet has just enough of a soft edge for no one to really take notice.

The phrase? “Oh, I shouldn’t.”

Shouldn’t do what? What are we really saying? We shouldn’t break our diet? We shouldn’t add a couple more hundred calories to our diet? We shouldn’t enjoy ourselves because our culture says that if we stay miserable long enough, soon we will be happy?

I assure you I have stayed in this mode many times, and am ashamed to say that I too have fallen victim to its paradigms.

But can I just say that I am really tired of “should notting?” I love cookies and cakes–and yes, at a party, I might just want to try three different desserts. I promise not to OD, I promise not to become obesely overweight, but dang it–I want a cookie!

All of our should-notting is making us hungry, and when we are hungry, we are cranky. Cranky people can’t change the world–or they can try, but it’s going to be really hard when the tough gets even tougher.

All I’m saying is that we should take a really long look at ourselves. Are we driving ourselves crazy because that’s what our culture says we should do? Are we really going to settle to live like that forever? Always hungry, always skipping the chocolate cake, and always, always, always letting go of the truly magnificent in life because we just…can’t.

Can’t and shouldn’t are very different ideals. I can’t change the culture at large, at least right now, but I should change myself and how I view it. Let’s open our eyes and look at what really matters– and if at that moment you see a cookie, eat it. You should.

 

Photo Credit: freeeatsfood.com

The Character of Beauty: Joy

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If I’ve learned one thing in the past few years it is this: joy is not the same as happiness. Rather, it is having hope in the face of darkness and tragedy, and living life with a grateful heart for all of the things we do have, rather than focusing on all that we don’t.

This year I’ve learned the hard way about this kind of non-happiness joy. Through the past eight money-saving months as a newlywed, the sudden deaths of young friends, and the realization that I have no control over the outside world, I’ve come to learn–rather, been forced to learn–what joy really is and how to live it out. I’ve cried, I’ve envied, and I’ve felt more than my share of frustration. But through those feelings and the nasty circumstances, I’ve come to understand joy in ways I never had before.

My friend Jared passed away unexpectedly last month, and I was a total wreck after hearing the news, unable to show anyone even the slightest smile, and completely consumed in my own world of pain and sadness. A couple days later, I met up with Rebecca and Jayme–two of my closest girlfriends in San Diego–and I found myself laughing so hard my stomach hurt as Jayme told us a ridiculous story about her weekend.

As I left the coffee shop after our date, I felt confused and even guilty. I wondered, “How could I laugh at a time like this, after something so tragic just happened?” Sitting in my car, waiting for the light to turn green, I realized that sadness and laughter could in fact coexist. They are paradoxical, yes, but their coexistence is the making of true joy.

For so long I’ve tried to be beautiful through my appearance, but each day I’m seeing more and more how wrong I am about it all. Beauty isn’t about what we wear or how we look, but rather about who we are and who we’re becoming. Joy is one of those characteristics–one of the intangible, non-physical qualities that make us beautiful, regardless of shape or size.

If life has brought you some tough times, I understand–I’m in the same boat. Rather than cope with the pain of the past by making the outside look good, I challenge both of us to allow ourselves to experience real joy in spite of what we’ve been through. Let’s allow ourselves to really feel our emotions, let’s take moments throughout the day to express gratitude for what we do have, and let’s exude true, beautiful joy.

Read the rest of the articles in the 6 part series “The Character of Beauty” here.

Photo Credit: http://pinterest.com/pin/39125090482266697/

10 Resolutions for your Body

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Like clockwork, every year around this time I end up racking my brain for ways I can improve upon myself for the following year. It’s not that I’m unable to conjure up any weaknesses that need to be refined, on the contrary, there are so many that I have a hard time narrowing things down. I realize I tend to over-think things, but sometimes I wish someone would just lay out a few categories so I could find precisely the area(s) of my life I want to focus on in the coming year. Now, I’m aware that these things are normally an individual undertaking, as everyone has their own goals and objectives, but I just thought I’d throw out a few mainstays to think about this year when continuing to develop into the very best version of you. This first article will be for your body, and the second, appearing late on New Year’s Eve, will be for your soul. So, here’s to pruning, growing and soaking in this blessed new year. (Clink!)

1. Mix up your active routine. Always workout in a gym? Take a hike (literally). Try a new class or join a local sports league, go skydiving this year, or bungee jump during your vacation in the tropics. Just get out of your comfort zone in some way. You’ll thank yourself afterward. Even better; get a friend to do it with you, accountability is priceless and it’s way more fun to do activities with someone.

2. Commit to getting outside more. Even if it’s just 15 minutes a day. Just lather up sunscreen on your beautiful face and let that Vitamin D seep in.

3. Drink more water and/or green tea. You don’t need to over-think this…keep a water bottle with you when you can (in your car or purse, preferably). Make sure you’re drinking throughout the day and even more so if you work out at all. Your body and face will glow if you’re getting enough. The only down side is more trips to the loo. Enjoy hot green tea with some honey or brew a big pot of water and add about 5-6 green tea bags, let it steep and pour into a large pitcher. It’s iced tea at your fingertips for the next few days.

4. Be good to your skin before bed. Don’t go to bed without cleansing and moisturizing. If you don’t know what products are best-suited for your skin type, talk to your dermatologist, or even easier… the skincare expert at Sephora. So easy.

5. Eat more fruits and veggies. Throw some spinach and kale in those winter soups and summer salads, snack on apples with almond butter and carrots with hummus between meals if you get hungry. Just grab something fresh! Shop along the edges of the grocery store and avoid the dreaded “middle aisles.” Eat foods that don’t have irrationally long shelf-lives.

6. Strive to get eight hours of sleep. Set a regular bedtime, avoid electronics an hour before you go to bed, and limit your caffeine intake during the day.

7. Quit diet soda. I must say, this is something that is so incredibly hard for me to do. I know that aspartame is terrible, yet every time I find myself at a restaurant I’m ordering my diet coke with lime. Why oh why can’t I quit you, DC? My refuge tends to be sparkling water, unsweetened iced tea or even a splurge from time to time with Izze.

8. Quit smoking. There are more resources than ever to help you. You have to remember it’s so incredibly harmful to your one body you’ve been given. And I’m not just talking about the chain smokers; if you’re a social smoker, it’s time to kick the habit. It ages you prematurely and is a lot of extra work to cover up the smell of your breath, on your clothes, and in your house and car.

9. Stretch! Try and limber up every morning or evening. Stretching can help improve flexibility. And better flexibility will improve your performance in physical activities and decrease your risk of injuries by helping your joints move more efficiently.

10. Floss. The common reason people do not floss is because “it hurts,” but the reason for this is unhealthy gums. After one week, the pain or bleeding will go away. Dentists say that flossing is even more important than brushing. Try and do this every night, or at least three times a week! As you get older, your teeth and gums will thank you for preventing the dangerous gum disease Gingivitis.

 

Photo Credit: simplyseductive.blogspot.com