Women are their own worst beauty critics. According to Dove, only 4% of women around the world consider themselves beautiful, so they decided to conduct a compelling social experiment that explores how women view their own beauty in contrast to what others see…
Learn more at realbeautysketches.dove.us
Recently, Darling magazine contributor and journalist Stephanie May wrote a beautiful article about love, vulnerability and making ourselves known. In discussing the world of dating, she talked about the scary corners we enter into when the illusions of romanticism fade into the background and we are truly seen.
As a psychologist specializing in women’s health and wellness, I often meet women who wish to leap into the waters of dating, yet something holds them back. Sometimes it is fear, past hurt/rejection, or familial/societal messages that over time, instilled deep feelings of not being “good” enough or deserving of lasting and stable love. Below, in referencing Stephanie’s article, I answer some common questions that arise when we prepare ourselves for the path of authenticity.
How do we prepare our emotional/spiritual selves for the journey of finding lasting love?
Scary as it may be, openness yields intimacy. When emotionally preparing for the possibility of lasting love, a great starting place lies in exploring our existing relationships. For most of us, there are people with whom we let down our guards and are truly seen. This may happen with close friends or family, at work, or even through our own spiritual practices. In tuning into our internal relational maps, we can better understand ourselves, and birth the insight necessary to lay down the foundation for the rest of the journey.
Is there anything harmful about being inauthentic?
Often times, inauthenticity emerges when it does not feel emotionally safe to be who we are. And unfortunately, our culture contributes to this feeling. There are abundant societal messages, which reinforce that women must attain an “ideal” appearance in order to meet the “ideal” mate.
Attaching to these faulty beliefs often causes our values to go haywire. When we devote energy towards the external, it is often an attempt to cover up the deep and normal insecurities that awaken when we feel vulnerable and exposed.
And so often, these dynamics create the ideal conditions for inauthenticity to emerge. When we depend so heavily upon our external selves to provide an internal feeling of okay-ness, an insatiable quality erupts, because in order to survive, inauthenticity relies heavily upon more “superficial” ways of being to maintain self-esteem. This suffocating dynamic leads to emotional suffering that may manifest as excessive worry, insecurity, profound sadness and loneliness.
There is so much pressure on women to attain an “ideal” appearance, especially when dating someone new, how can we combat these societal messages?
The pressure on women to attain external beauty is rampant in our culture. When we internalize these messages as truths, we enter the waters of what I refer to as the “if only,” game. “If only I was thinner, prettier, smarter, then I would be….” This unfulfilling spiral leads us to search for a panacea that will soothe these erupted and disrupted feelings of inadequacy.
Over time, attaching to these societal messages leads us to embody a false self, one filled with isolation and misunderstanding. In the landscape of less than and not enough, we are left holding feelings of deep insecurity as we try to perfect instead of accept ourselves.
We can combat these messages, and more importantly the feelings that accompany them by being mindful of the language we use amongst our friends and family. For example, as women, how often do we ask a friend how a particular piece of clothing makes us look? Unfortunately, the pressure and emphasis on how women appear is deeply embedded in our culture. We can challenge these messages by choosing language that supports and empowers the development of our emotional versus physical selves.
In her article, Stephanie talks about how we “can not be fully loved if we are not fully known.” How can we become comfortable enough in our own skin so that we can embody authenticity?
Finding love doesn’t come by perfecting our external selves, or by diminishing our words by not speaking our truths. Quite the opposite: by acknowledging and examining what we don’t know and have yet to learn, we make room for curiosity and introspection. It’s in these tender moments that vulnerability emerges and intimacy if formed. When we lean into our vulnerabilities, often our expectations soften, and acceptance, instead of being a sign of weakness or defeat, validates that we are doing our very best, just as we are. By honoring and validating the company of the self, we nurture the most important love relationship of all, and it’s in this space that authenticity develops and true love is fully born.
One of my favorite childhood books, “The Velveteen Rabbit,” talks about the “realness” of human relationships. In this story, the Velveteen rabbit is told, “Real isn’t how you are made, it’s a thing that happens to you. You become. When someone loves you for a long, long time, you become real. And once you are real, you can’t become unreal. It lasts for always.”
Image via A Well Traveled Woman
Some of you may have heard the idea of our body being a “temple” or “sanctuary,” but if not, it essentially means that we should honor and respect the body we were given to live in. But, how often do we actually stop and think about how we relate to our bodies? On the serious side, so many women struggle with insecurities that lead to eating disorders, self-mutilation and even suicide. More common, though, are those little things we do on a constant basis to bring our bodies down—looking in the mirror and feeling “not good enough,” wishing we had that girl’s blonde hair, or that other girl’s perfect lips. Does it ever end?
Though our bodies should be sanctuaries that we delight living in, day after day, women of all ages, races, shapes and sizes oh-so-easily make the mistake of treating their bodies more like a trash bin. Here are three ways to combat that mentality…
Learn To Take A Compliment
As they say, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. It is important for us all to realize when we are putting ourselves down. Many times in an attempt to be humble, we downgrade our successes and highlight our shortcomings. This has to be recognized and stopped. If you have the top sales at work for the month, or finally run that half marathon you have been training for, enjoy your success.
When others compliment you, it’s okay to say “thank you!” I know this sounds obvious, but how many times have you responded to a compliment with, “Oh really it was just luck,” or “It was a team effort.” There is nothing wrong with accepting a compliment for something you worked for.
Stop Competing
The next step is to realize that life is not a competition. Just because another woman is beautiful, that does not make you less beautiful. I see this happen all too often. Women put other women down in an attempt to make themselves feel better. How many times have you seen a lovely women walking down the street and said to your friends, “She’s pretty, but she obviously tries way too hard,” or, “Wow that girl doesn’t eat.”? Why do we say things like this? My 5’2” stature will never compare to the super models of today, but the great thing about it is, it never has to! As women we need to learn to recognize beauty all around us.
By putting other women down, really we are only putting ourselves down. Internally we’re saying, “Why can’t I look like that blonde bombshell? There is obviously something wrong with me.” Or, “I wish I could be as skinny as that girl with legs a mile long.” Don’t compare and compete with other women, but rather recognize your own unique treasures and focus on the positive things that you bring to the world.
Remember The Future
The final step is realizing that greater things are yet to come. Sometimes the greatest thing about life is realizing that the best is yet to come. Having this mentality can help you treat your body in a better way and view it through a healthier lens. Many women fall into the trap of believing that their glory days are over after they hit their twenties, thirties and even forties. This is simply not true. As a teenager, I wish I could have told myself that life got easier.
Maturity brings about a sense of ease, and as we grow up, we realize that the dramas of youth just aren’t as important as we thought they were. It is important that as we grow older, we take ownership of our bodies and really come to terms with who we are. Once this happens, we can actually look in the mirror and see past the split ends or the freckles we’ve never appreciated. Instead, we can see the person who we have come to know and love over time—a radiant woman who has lived life well—and who doesn’t find beauty in that?
Image via I Don’t Want Realism
In the previous article, 10 Resolutions for your Body, we looked at New Year’s goals for the body, now let’s take a look at some for mind, soul, and spirit!
1. Take in some culture. So often when we have free time, we tend to do the same old things. Find a band playing at a pub near you, explore a local art gallery or peruse a museum. Make it a date night or bring your best friends along. Explore what the art world has to offer.
2. Learn something new. Whether it’s a new language (hello Rosetta Stone), a new skill in the kitchen, or flower arranging, get good at something this year that you’ve been a novice at in the past. There are so many great online resources at your fingertips; the sky is truly the limit. I think I’m going to make soap and candles throughout the year for next year’s Christmas gifts.
3. Learn how to be alone. We are such social beings that sometimes I think we forget that it’s healthy and necessary to be alone from time to time. Take these rare moments and savor them. Pick up a good book to enrich and feed your soul. Write a letter and send it (or don’t–just practice putting feelings into words), or write a poem or a song if you’re musically inclined. Just make sure to carve out some “me time” this year. Your soul is longing for it.
4. Call your parents and/or grandparents more. There is no one in your life who will love you unconditionally the way these people do. They are the lifeline to your past and have (hopefully) been there for you during your ups and downs. They deserve your time and would love to hear from you. Even if it’s a five minute check-in, pick up the phone or drop a line, I don’t think we will ever know how much they’d appreciate it.
5. Volunteer. Find a way to give up some of your free time, even if you don’t have much of it. Help out at your church, volunteer at your local library or even just make dinner for a sick friend. It’s uncanny how good it will make you feel–even psychologists prescribe serving others as a way to relieve depression or anxiety!
6. Commit to growing in your spiritual journey. Make it a goal to read more about God, or even try and memorize an inspirational scripture verse. It may help you find peace in times of strife and comfort you in times of loss. It is amazing how when we memorize positive, life-giving phrases how they tend to pop into our minds in times of need. If you are trying to break a bad habit, or struggle with anxiety, find scripture that relates and commit to bringing it to mind. If you are just starting out reading these ancient texts, Bible Gateway allows you to search keywords that bring up related scriptures.
7. Remember to treat yourself. Exciting, isn’t it? Yes, it’s healthy to show how proud you are of you. Get a manicure, a facial, or a massage. Stay home on a Friday night and draw yourself a bubble bath with candles, a glass of wine and some soothing music. Get that dress you saw at Madewell last weekend. Just do something that is for you and ONLY you.
8. Make more time to pray. Whether it’s when you wake in the morning before the a.m. rush gets too hectic, before your meals, or when you’re in anguish..God wants to talk, he also wants to listen, which is great, isn’t it? Every worry, every “thank you”, every thought, He drinks it up. There’s never a bad time, bring it to Him.
9. Spend more time with friends. Host a movie night or dinner party…OR, how try not turning down an invitation because you’re too tired. Make the effort, and it will go a long way. Long distance friends or family? Have a bi-weekly Skype date on your calendar (and set an alert for it).
10. Incorporate random acts of kindness into your daily routine. So many ways you can go with this one. Help someone to their car if they’re older (or if they have a ton of kids), buy a stranger’s coffee, open doors for people. Look out for your fellow human, live by that Golden Rule and let kindness rain down.
Photo Credit: enchantedvintageclothing.com
We’ve all met that woman–the one who is so radiant we can’t take our eyes off of her. She’s beautiful, but we can’t quite figure out why. Is it her hair? Her figure? Her clothes? After speaking with her for a few moments, we know that her beauty is far beyond the physical. She exudes something lovely, contagious and rare.
I can only imagine how powerful it would be if we all grew into that kind of woman I just described–if we all started accepting who we are, loving our bodies, understanding our true value, and spreading real beauty wherever we go.
In my last article Healthy Girl Talk: Redefining Beauty, I talked about the need our culture has to redefine beauty for what it really is–so much more than physical appearance. I also shared four steps we can all take each day that will contribute to that redefinition: use positive language when talking about bodies, focus on the function of our body parts, celebrate non-physical qualities, and live a beautiful life by demonstrating those non-physical qualities.
In the coming weeks, I’m going to expand on that article by discussing various qualities of beauty that we could all afford to have a little more of in this world: kindness, joy, compassion, love, generosity and confidence. After all, how can we affirm others and live out these qualities if we don’t fully understand what they look like?
Let’s explore together what real beauty looks like. Let’s redefine beauty by the way we speak and act. Let’s take the big risk of being examples for the women we interact with each day. Wouldn’t that be something revolutionary?
Read all entries in the series “The Character of Beauty” here
Photo credit: madewell.tumblr.com
There was once a season in my life where I completely stopped wearing makeup. Not because there’s anything wrong with wearing it, and not because I felt I was above it, but rather as an opportunity to learn to feel beautiful the way God made me.
At first, I felt naked, plain, and exposed. Each time I left the house I felt like I’d forgotten to put on my pants or my shoes. I felt incomplete. But after a couple weeks, I began to love it. Since I didn’t put makeup on in the morning, I enjoyed never having to take it off at the end of the day. I loved the freedom to touch my eyes or hug a friend with a clean white shirt or jump into a pool without worrying about mascara streaming down my face. It was a short-term experiment (which turned into a three-year experiment), but it completely changed my view of myself–my appearance and my understanding of authentic beauty.
There’s nothing wrong with wearing bold eyeshadow or fake lashes for a fun night out, but on a daily basis makeup should function to enhance our natural beauty, not make us look like different people. Unfortunately natural beauty doesn’t come, well, naturally to most of us. I don’t have it all figured out quite yet, but I have learned a few strategies on my own personal journey toward radiant, true beauty that are worth trying:
1. Learn bare-faced confidence.
I think it all starts with being comfortable in our own skin—whether we think it looks good or not! Even if it’s just for a few hours on Saturday mornings when we see nobody but the Starbucks barista, we need to give ourselves makeup breaks. From there we can move into a healthy relationship with makeup and use it to amplify the beauty that is inherent to being female.
2. Start with sunscreen, and eat your vegetables.
Healthy skin is key to natural beauty, and it all starts now–while we’re young–with the way we protect it and what we put into our bodies. Starting each day with sunscreen, and eating nutrient-rich, antioxidant-packed food keeps our skin looking youthful and glowing, without the need for excess makeup to mimic it.
3. Exfoliate.
Invest in a nice facial scrub that has soft beads in it to help rid skin of dead skin cells. (Avoid products with rough beads or small pieces of nuts in them as they can actually cause small cuts in your skin). Do this twice a week, massaging gently all over the face and avoiding the under eye area. This will give way for new skin cells to emerge, and in turn, make your skin glow.
4. Keep it simple.
Because I look like a little girl who broke into her mother’s makeup drawer when I wear most eyeshadows, my ideal daily makeup combination is just a few brushes of my favorite blush/bronzer blend and two coats of mascara. When I go out, I add some smoky brown eyeliner for instant drama. That’s it. Simple, clean, fresh, and natural. What are your best features? Focus on those.
5. Find products that work for you, not your friends.
For years I copied the makeup my friends were wearing, completely neglecting my different skin tone, hair color and complexion. Like I said before, our makeup should show off what we already have, not turn us into someone else. It’s important for each of us to experiment with different products and see what we like. If we’re second-guessing ourselves once we’ve applied our makeup, we probably need to try something different.
Photo Credit: http://pinterest.com/pin/339346450/
Skinny tells us eat as few calories as possible, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, thinner is better, you’re worth more if you weigh less. When we see the words written out, most of us would probably agree those statements seem silly. But if we think about how we live our lives–the way we eat, the media we indulge in, the way we talk about our bodies to others or in our heads–we know that we’ve fallen for the lies.
Skinny wasn’t always “in,” but that body type has certainly dominated the media world for the past few decades. We see and hear skinny when we shop online, as we browse magazines, or while watching TV—and if you live in Southern California like me, simply walking by women on the street.
Let me first say, I am not anti-skinny. Some women are naturally less curvy than others, just as some women are shorter or have longer faces. Rather than bash one body type (which is never okay in my book), I want to bring attention to an issue today’s women are facing: in our culture, skinny trumps healthy.
What happened to health, exercising for wellness, eating what fuels our bodies to operate at their best, seeing beauty in the various shapes of women? We’ve exchanged truth for lies, worshipping outward appearance rather than embracing the bodies we’ve been given. Girls, we have to stand up for what is good and true. It’s time to say goodbye to the glamorized and romanticized ideas of skinny we have in our heads and treat our bodies with love and respect. Skinny is out, healthy is in.
Changing our mindset won’t happen overnight, but there are things we can start doing today that will help us exchange healthy for skinny over time. Start with these:
1. Ditch the scale (most of the time, at least). There is nothing inherently wrong with weighing yourself to ensure you’re within a healthy weight for your height and frame; however, that’s really not the way most of us use the scale these days, is it? Say goodbye to weight-based worth. You are more than a number.
2. Eat real food. For years, I ordered drinks at Starbucks with sugar-free syrup, drank soda of the diet-variety only, and bought low-fat and fat-free products at the store to avoid the extra calories of the real deal. Do yourself a favor and have real food in moderation. Treat your body to fresh, natural foods that nourish rather than diet foods that fill your body with chemicals. You will thank yourself in 50 years, I promise.
3. Minimize toxic media exposure. If watching a certain reality show or reading a certain magazine triggers your mind to believe that skinny is what it’s all about, stop exposing yourself to it. The more we see and hear lies, the more we believe them. Fill your mind, your eyes and your ears with information and images that contribute to you living a full, healthy life.
Make this pledge to yourself today: I choose healthy over skinny, real food over chemicals, and truth over lies.
Photo Credit: http://dreamjosephine.blogspot.com/
Oh, how we all long for beauty! Mysterious and diverse as it is, we capture it, photograph it, and worship it, often forgetting how fleeting it is—like sand in an hourglass. However, in order to hold and keep beauty, we must build it solidly from the inside out, then it will never slip through our fingers.
What fascinating creatures we are with eyes like endlessly deep colored pools, long beautiful eyelashes that keep out all harm, and limbs and systems that function in perfect unity with one another. We are walking miracles, but how often we despise ourselves, hungry for what we don’t have, feeling like we never measure up.
To care for yourself well is to bring into reality the value of your being, your essence, and your own mark of beauty upon this world. Nutrition, exercise, skin, hair, and body care are essential to well being. When we neglect basic care of ourselves, we should see this as a warning sign that something is wrong on the inside. Without love for ourselves in our hearts, we have no desire to foster beauty on the outside.
Every woman possesses her own outer beauty. We should work to accent what we have been given, not work for what someone else possesses. Some of us are shaped like pears, others like apples, rectangles, or hourglasses. Yet why do we try and nip, tuck, re-shape, or alter our bodies? Darling believes it has to do with unrealistic standards of beauty presented by media, thus creating an invisible “pie” of beauty where a certain ideal equals 99% of your worth. We must fill in the other pieces with different aspects of beauty, and measure only by what we’ve been given. Besides, beauty also resides in our minds, hearts, talents, athleticism, and grace. If we build these from the inside, there is no doubt a deep-seated spirit of beauty will shine through. There is a lovely air to a woman who knows she’s beautiful and carries herself without a hint of jealousy or discontentment.
Yet we can’t deny the outside, as it is our unique face of the world, so let’s find a balance in beauty and health that truly builds self-worth apart from any form of vanity. What a pity to live under unattainable pressures and standards when what we have is just what the world needs to make it perfectly beautiful.
Photo Credit: thealternativebride.blogspot.com