Tag Archives: love

Be Kind

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Be Kind | Darling Magazine

I once walked into a friend’s room looking for the hairbrush she had mentioned—next to the door on her desk. As I walked over to borrow it, her mirror caught my eye. Not the mirror itself, but the big black writing that covered it…

“You’re fat and disgusting. Stop eating. Get to the gym. This is NOT okay!”

I stepped back in shock—almost running into the bedpost I didn’t realize was behind me. My eyes took in the words one more time as my stomach flipped over. I felt woozy with the assault of those hate-filled words she had written about herself: “You’re disgusting. This is NOT okay.”

We live in a world that values the perfection of self above almost anything else. If you go to a bookstore, you can get lost for hours in the aisles of publications that whisper loudly that you’re not good enough, that promise to make you “perfect”—a different version of yourself—better.

“Look better naked.”
“3 Minutes to flat abs.”
“Why losing your butt may mean losing your man.”
“The Girlfriend Habit he’ll love you more for.”
“Beauty tips to move your career forward.”

We can’t open our eyes without seeing the message plastered all around us, “you’re not good enough. This is not ok. You have to change.”

And these messages don’t just come from the outside. We start to adopt them as our inner monologue, repeating mantras and admonishments to ourselves like a broken record—skipping over and over. We think that maybe if we hold a “realistic” view of ourselves, we can beat our imperfect selves into submission. We start to believe that if we could be better, we’d be happy. Or if we looked different, he never would have left.

Instead of standing in solidarity with the body, mind, soul, and life we live inside, we face off against it, treating ourselves as the enemy—as the one standing in the way of our happiness. These external messages are devastating, leaving us feeling small and insignificant or huge and undesirable as we drag ourselves out of the bookstore, vowing to change.

But the internal messages are worse.

Once those words and ideas and the list of “failures” become part of our own inner monologue, we’ve started to believe them. It’s no longer external, an idea, something we can fight. It’s internal—we believe the black words scrawled across our tenderest parts and believe that they tell the truth about who we are.

My heart broke as I read that mirror, because I knew how she felt as she was writing them.

Earlier that year I sat in a Starbucks with a notebook—scratching out a love letter to myself through my tears—a love letter that I didn’t believe a word of. My mind was a scratched record, hissing lie after lie into my ears and my heart. The lies said I was ugly and fat and undesirable and annoying and way too sensitive. I wasn’t good enough and was far too much to handle, all in one breath. I wanted out. I wanted to distance myself from the person that felt so hated by the world around her. I agreed with them. I hated her too. But barring some really scary ideas, I couldn’t quit my own team.

“I’m stuck with you,” I thought at myself.

And so for lack of a better option, in one tiny, barely perceptible effort, I tried to rejoin her team. I tried to like her, to make a peace offering—waving a white flag and moving towards the person that I had wished would just disappear. And very slowly things began to change.

What feels like a million feels later, I’m firmly back on my own team. I love myself and know who I am, what I’m worth and why I matter—most of the time. But that doesn’t mean that the lies leave me alone. If my jeans are a little too tight, I’m tempted to berate my “fat” self. If I can’t get everything done in one day, I’m tempted to call myself a failure. If I have a moment of insecurity or doubt, I’m tempted to write myself off as needy and not worth the effort.

But just like that day in the Starbucks, I’m learning slowly to be kind—to treat myself like I’d treat a best friend, with love and respect and the benefit of the doubt. I’m not an exception to my kindness. I’m the one who sets the standard.

How To Be Friends With Difficult People

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How To Be Friends With Difficult People | Darling Magazine

In second grade, I met my first best friend, Kimberly. She was the kind of friend I knew I’d be friends with forever because we were practically twins and did just about everything together. Our friendship was easy because it was simple; we shared a liking for simple things—foursquare, jello-cups and fishtail braids. These simple facts bonded together two naive seven year olds. Looking back, it’s foolish to think I couldn’t have been best friends with everyone else in my grade (because who doesn’t enjoy foursquare?!). Unfortunately, as we grow older, simple facts are just that and not everyone we encounter will become our insta-friends, let alone a Kimberly.

Relationships will only continue to come in and out of our lives and as more and more people surround us—whether from our career paths, various friend circles, church communities, etc., we are bound to run into someone who doesn’t necessarily captivate our attention. Though it’s okay not being friends with everyone you exchange names with, it’s not okay to think we can’t learn from those who we find ourselves very different from. Be it their interests, beliefs and even their humor—there is depth in our differences. And it’s definitely not okay to think they don’t deserve love from you (even if it’s a tiny slice of it).

The reason I find it important to address this issue is that, oftentimes, we only want to be friends with people whom we can fully immerse our being in—people who we can benefit from. The friends we love can easily seem like the only people we want to be around, but I want to challenge us to be friends with those we find it harder to be around. I think in a way, we are supposed to. Loving others knows no preferences, and loving others (even if it’s in a different way than you do towards your BFFs) extends our character and truly makes our hearts more full. We can’t be tied to the hip with everyone, but we should at the very least, be friendly.

Here are some thoughts that might help this at times challenging endeavor…

Realize you can’t satisfy everyone, but know that you can give respect in moments by asking, “how are you,” by giving a warm smile or saying a simple, “hello.”

Remember the love that has been given to you—because though others may be hard to love, you can be too. We need to extend our love in ways we best know how, because of the love that has been extended towards us.

Remove your own agenda when it comes to kindness. Our motivation of being loving towards others should be rooted in our desire to position others towards betterment, as oppose to making ourselves feel better.

I suppose I could have just summed up this article with the golden rule, “Treat others the way you’d want to be treated,” but I would also like to add, there is a delightful light in everyone. Sometimes you will be the one to draw that out fully, and sometimes you are not the one equipped to. But rest in the fact that an attitude of love spurs other attitudes towards love. And that’s the stuff that makes friends into best friends.

Image via Modern Hepburn

Love Lost: Coping With The Death Of A Parent

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Love Lost: Coping With The Death Of A Parent | Darling Magazine

I remember it like it was yesterday. The calendar was about to turn to September and I was 18 years old about to turn another year older. I was shopping for a new laptop for college in a big box electronic store with my mom when we got the call.

My parents divorced when I was very young—too young to really remember. For as long as I could remember it was just me and my mom—Dad would poke his head in a couple times a year, stick around for a few days then be gone again just as quickly as he came. As the years passed by his visits got less frequent and as I grew older, I developed a sense that he wasn’t going to be around for the big milestones in my life—not because I saw less and less of him but because I started to understand that the lifestyle he led would not in fact sustain his life unless he made a change.

Then came that warm August day and the phone call that would turn my gut feeling into reality. My dad had passed away.

At first I was able to carry on the normal function of my life. I started school and kept working—I remember going to work the day after I got the news and my boss pulled me aside giving me permission to take time off. “I’m okay” I told him and went about business as usual. The truth is, I was okay in those first few weeks—life as I knew it didn’t look any different. There wasn’t one less person in our house or clothes hanging in a closet that would never be worn again—I lacked the initial shock of “this person is gone” because I didn’t see him on a regular basis, in fact I hadn’t seen him in five years.

As the weeks wore on and summer turned into fall, I slowly started to succumb to the weight of the loss. At a glance—I dropped out of school, stayed in bed with the covers pulled over my head, sustained by not much more than donuts and sleep. By November I was sick. Cough, sore throat and runny nose for weeks—then there was a shift. One day the symptoms of the sickness outweighed the power of the sadness and all I wanted in that moment was to start feeling better. I went to the doctor to get on antibiotics—I toyed with the idea of asking for an anti-depressant but chickened out. As my body began to heal I started to feel relieved. I didn’t feel physically awful anymore and the next thing I knew I was ready to get out of bed.

Looking back on that time my memory is very foggy. The days and nights ran together—I remember the tears, the donuts and feeling completely void of desire to do anything but lay in that bed. I give whatever respiratory bug that inhabited by body that fall the credit for pulling me out of the darkness but in my heart of hearts I know it was divine grace.

This summer marks 10 years since that fateful day. Although I have been revived as a contributing member of society, the sadness still creeps in—never longer than a day or two. However, I find myself thinking about my dad a little more often around the last week in august and until the dark day passes.

To be completely honest, I don’t know if there will ever come a day

where I won’t feel a twinge of sadness when I think about my dad. My hope is for continued healing but my sense is that our parents are a part of us—regardless of how well you know them—so to lose a parent is to lose a little part of your soul. The only thing to expect with certainty after a parent dies is that life will be different. What that difference looks like is likely to change from year to year and decade to decade. The most important thing you can do for yourself is pay attention to what you need and graciously give yourself those things.

Whether you’ve lost a parent or just want to know some things about a healthy grieving process, here are a few insights I’ve picked up from my experience…

Feel what you feel. When grieving the loss of a loved one we all need to go through a season where we genuinely feel our emotions. We must put aside distractions and silence the voices that try to tell us how we “should” or “shouldn’t” be handling the situation and just sit with whatever emotions come up. In this time it is imperative that you remind yourself that you are loved and not alone—be gentle with yourself—you’ve experienced a great loss.

Take care of yourself physically. That’s right, I’m actually NOT recommending a diet of donuts and spending months on end lying in bed. If that happens it’s okay (see be gentle with yourself above) but when you start to hear that voice telling you it’s time to get up—listen to it!

Your mind and emotions are going through great stress, which can even turn into physical symptoms. Take care of yourself by eating well-balanced nutrient rich foods and by getting some exercise. Endorphins may be the only way to experience positive feelings during this time, so take a break from the sadness and let your body generate a little sweat.

Don’t be afraid to seek professional help. I may have chickened out of talking to my doctor about the grief I was experiencing at that time but looking back I regret not getting the help.

If you (or a friend you know) are experiencing any of the following symptoms please consider taking a courageous step and ask for professional help…

- Experiencing active suicidal ideation—meaning more than just wanting to see your loved one again but actually thinking about a way to die and contemplating carrying it out. Please do not hesitate and seek immediate help.

- Difficulty getting out of bed and/or taking care of hygiene for more than several weeks.

- Having difficulty “moving on with life” after many months or even years.

-The grief is interfering in relationships and the ability to allow yourself to love another or to be loved. This feeling can be very isolating during a time when you need to know that you are not alone.

- Turning to substances, sex, food and/or other compulsive behaviors to manage the pain of the loss or to numb out.

- Feeling guilt that dictates your behavior over still being alive after a tragic event when others close may have died in the event.

– Pervasive emotional numbness that is interfering with your enjoyment of life, connecting with others, or self many months or years after the death.

- Neglecting children who need you during the grief. Children are dependent upon adults so it is important to get support quickly for their benefit to help them manage the loss and not create another loss in their lives by becoming emotionally absent to them.

- If someone has suggested seeking the help of a professional.

Coping with the loss of a parent is something that most of us will experience in our lifetime—some earlier on than others. If you’ve yet to experience this loss but are currently walking with someone who has remember that hugs have healing power, listening ears can relieve burdens and moments of laughter can lift even the heaviest of spirits. We are all in this together.

Image via Modern Hepburn

Step Away From Easy

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Step Away From Easy | Darling Magazine

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” –Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

The truth is, it’s far too easy to hate, and so in the absence of perfection, we often rely on hatred to get us through our days. Hate is perhaps a little strong, but if it’s not love, it must be the other—cursing the car who cut us off on our morning commute, wishing our boss would lay off already, or even the mindless act of passing slight judgments on friends as we scan through our Facebook news feeds. It’s just so easy to slip into.

But is this what we’ve come to? Is this who we are? Haters? I don’t think so, not really anyways. Though collectively we may default on hatred (or judgment or indifference), individually we are much more, because in the end hateful is never what we want to be. We don’t long for lives of bitterness, ugliness, and anger. We long for lives full of love, joy and peace.

It’s strange to write about humanity on such a large scale. Some will even say doing so is simple naivety. But is it really so crazy? Crazy to think that we could all get along? Is world peace a child’s dream or an adult’s failure?

We are too different, too divided, and yet when we strip away the exterior of who we claim to be, are we really so different? Often times it is only in the face of tragedy and duress that we get to see the oneness of humankind. When hurricanes wash away boardwalks, fires burn away homes, and tsunamis devastate coastlines, we see—if only for a second—that in the end we are all just mothers and daughters, fathers and sons, loving and longing to be loved.

Why, then, do we let hate get in the way? Why are we so quick to see difference before sameness? Why do we let things like politics and religion divide us so easily? Perhaps for that simple reason, because it is easy—easy to hate, easy to ignore, easy to dismiss. Instead of choosing that path, we challenge you to step away from easy, because the hardest, most radical thing to do in this world is to love. And ironically enough, it is also the most worthwhile.

Image via Curb Appeal

The Dreamer Embodied: Larissa Murphy

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The Dreamer Embodied: Larissa Murphy | Darling Magazine

“Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God’s kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile.” Mother Teresa.

We know the saying, “Behind every great man is a great woman.” Case in point: Ian and Larissa Murphy. Larissa embodies beauty, sweetness, compassion and grace. These qualities—combined with her generous doses of determination, veracity and resilience—make Larissa an exceptional role model and a true Dreamer. Intrigued by Larissa Murphy’s journey of hope, faith and optimism, we want give our readers the opportunity to glean from the life lessons learned by this delightful young lady, wise beyond her years, in this exclusive interview.

To give you context, Larissa met her husband Ian in 2005 while attending college in Western Pennsylvania. They fell in love and planned to get married one day, but their dream to be husband and wife came to a halt when Ian was involved in a traumatic automobile accident that severely impacted his mind, speech, and body. Despite his injuries, they eventually moved forward and got married. Read on to learn more about Larissa’s story, what she’s learned through Ian’s accident, and what gives her hope and joy in the midst of often difficult times…

We are so excited that you are sharing your experiences with our Darling readers. Let us start by saying thank you for giving your time and energy to this interview. Begin by telling us how Ian’s car accident changed life for Ian, and for you, Larissa?

Everything was instantly different, as soon as we received the phone call. To this day, Ian has never taken one step on his own. He hasn’t been able to get himself out of bed or open the fridge door when he’s hungry. He can’t send a text message or go for a run when it’s warm outside. He can’t sit down at a laptop and write a story, like he used to.

My whole life is different, too. Nearly every decision of my day, when I’m not at work and sometimes while I’m at work, revolves around Ian. Getting his pills ready, preparing his schedule for his co-worker, planning dates. Daily life is just different for us than it probably is for someone who is healthy.

Where did you both find the strength to deal with your most painful experiences?

Looking back, and looking forward, it’s clear to us that our faith in God has been our strength. At the time that it’s happening, you’re just taking each step in faith, even if that faith feels smaller than a mustard seed. I read a quote recently, unfortunately I can’t cite it correctly, but it has summed up much for me: “Before me, as behind, God is, and all is well.”

How did Ian’s accident shape your view of what’s important in life?

Before Ian’s accident, both of us had experienced relatively easy lives. I have a vivid memory of being in my apartment, a few months after we started dating. We were passed out on the living room floor because Ian had just made me run much further than I would have on my own. He said something to the effect of, “My life has been really easy so far. I’ve never even lost a grandparent.”

We had no idea what was coming next. We were planning for the future, thinking about where we would want to work, when we would want to get married, etc. It didn’t seem perfect—there were things that we feared. But they were smaller things—like if we would have enough money or guts to move away for jobs.

After Ian’s accident, it took all the mental energy I had to get through one day. Planning and preparing for the future looked differently than it did before his accident. We had to live one day at a time and ask God to give us the strength and wisdom we needed for each day. It kind of felt more like God had intended when the Bible says, “Do not be anxious about tomorrow.”

Obviously there was a point in time, after Ian’s accident, when you had to make a choice whether or not to move ahead with your relationship. Although life as you both knew it ended with Ian’s accident, can you tell us how you and Ian progressed from a time of tragedy to begin a future together?

God always gave me signs that Ian knew me and loved me. An increased heart rate on the monitor, a gaze, a blink. Those were all ways that he had to communicate as he progressed from his coma. They were always there.

Also always there was the knowledge that if the role were reversed, Ian wouldn’t have left me. He was the most faithful person I had known—not just a boyfriend, but a friend to me.

It took Ian two and a half years to use his voice again after the accident. That’s what we had been waiting for. I didn’t want to marry Ian if he couldn’t talk to me. If we could communicate, we could be married. Once he started talking, he was able to communicate to his dad that he still wanted marriage. His dad passed away two months before Ian proposed, but he was a huge advocate for us and encouraged us to make a decision—either to walk away or get married. He didn’t want to see us dating forever.

What would Ian say that he loves or appreciates the most about you?

From Ian: “She always wants to hear about my day even though it’s really boring most of the time.”

Tell us how being married to Ian has taught you about who you are.

Being married to Ian has shown me what a loser I am!!! He teaches me patience
and gentleness, two things that I don’t excel in. It’s also shown me how intricately God was molding me before meeting Ian and making me into someone who could “handle” a life like this. Ian trusts me to make decisions—I don’t always have to ask his opinion. I do on the big things that have long-term implications. But he gives me so much confidence by just trusting my integrity and my discernment.

Many people vow, in sickness and in health, but they really have no idea what lays ahead for them. What can you share with those readers now, that will stand to inspire them during a dark or unknown time that may arise in future days?

Don’t forget your spouse’s soul. Remember them as they were and simply love them. As Ian has said to me many times, he’s more than a brain.

What has being married to Ian taught you about contentment?

I read once how much comparing does to fracture ourcontentment. Either way. If we look at lives “harder” than ours, we may be tempted to pride. If we look at lives “better” than ours,

we may grow anxious or dissatisfied. I have to constantly fight to not compare. It doesn’t do me any good. God will meet that desire. He’s helped me a ton.

We started this interview by complimenting you on your physical beauty, and on your “gutsy” personality. But where does your inner strength come from?

Well, I am who I am because of three beings—God, my mom and my dad. My life
is very parallel to my mom’s and she has led an unwavering life. Whatever is required of her, she does. Working full-time. Raising kids. Understanding sickness. And she does it all well.My parents have incredible work ethic—I didn’t grow up expecting to lead a lazy life. That’s paying off immensely.

What do you hope to inspire in others, by sharing your story with us?

A dear friend of ours lost his wife a few short months before our wedding. He had been her caregiver for many years as she battled cancer. Before our wedding, he spoke seven words that I’ll carry with me forever—“You’ll never regret loving this much.” It’s as simple as that. Love gives life.

Image provided by Larissa Murphy

Finding Sisters Before The Mister

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Finding Sisters Before The Mister | Darling Magazine

Wedding save-the-dates adorn your fridge, bridesmaid dresses fill your closet, the wedding registry department of the local housewares store knows you by name. It’s wedding season and you’re one step closer to becoming Katherine Heigl in 27 Dresses. This life season—where some of our closest girlfriends are getting ready to trade in their last name for that of their groom’s, is a season that many twenty-somethings find themselves, and we all probably have the dried bridal bouquets to prove it.

As the song by the Byrds, “Turn Turn Turn! (To Everything There is a Season) references, the book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible speaks about this sentiment of life seasons: “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under Heaven.” Seasons, they come and go, turn and change and the arrival of each one births not only opportunity, but also, a time for growth.

Perhaps like me, you have been lucky enough to witness some of your dearest friends find their misters, the men of which they’ll share forever. And you’ve supported them

throughout this exciting season of transition as they’ve traded in their singlehood to be a wife. But while you may have charmed many a groomsman at the myriad of weddings you’ve attended, you have yet to happen upon your own future groom.

Let’s face it, ladies, oftentimes the season of singleness gets a bad wrap. In a world filled with things like stylemepretty.com and Say Yes to the Dress, it’s difficult not to feel as though you’re ostracized for wearing the “single” label. While it may be easy to see the absence of a man as a detriment, a little change in perspective will have you viewing it as one of the best seasons of your life.

For one, being single allots you a lot of free time—time you are at liberty to spend however you see fit. And perhaps one of the best ways to fill your open schedule is with intentional moments with your girlfriends. If you’re like me, you have been blessed enough to form friendships with some pretty phenomenal women over the years. They may be childhood pals, old college sorority sisters, or maybe newly formed through social media (it’s not that weird to do these days). However these ladies came into your life is not important, rather the importance lies in the fact that over the course of your time together, they have become your support system, your perpetual laugh track, your shopping buddies, and closest confidants. So in order to not only maintain, but also cultivate these bonds, they must be habitually fed, poured into, and made a priority. This is where all of that extra free time can be utilized—without a man to monopolize your schedule, you have unlimited hours for your ladies, instead.

Oftentimes I can’t help but think that we allow our cravings for deep meaningful relationships equate to the need for a man, that only a romantic relationship is capable of fulfilling that void. But finding that sense of community isn’t reserved to the XY-chromosome. While the future mister will bring a new type of bond to the table, that bond will never replace the fulfillment found in sharing moments with your closest girls. Let’s be honest, ladies, guys are great, but there’s just something about giggling with your girlfriends over a rom com in your pajamas that really can’t be beat.

So instead of seeing your season of singleness as a burden, view it as an opportunity. Don’t view it in the terms of the negative—that it lacks a mister—but rather, in terms of the positive: it’s filled with sisters who will see you through this particular season, and the many to come after it, too.

Take the time in your singlehood to focus on growing the relationships you have with your girlfriends—book the ticket to visit your old roommate in Nashville, plan an adventure with your new “we met through social media” friend, tell your high school bestie whom you’ve recently reconnected with that you’d love to meet her for breakfast on Saturday morning. While these friendships are more than necessary to maintain once you find yourself within the confines of a romantic relationship again, you won’t have as ample of free time to cultivate them as you do now. Besides, with this special time spent fostering those friendships with your sisters, you’ll have a bevy of bridesmaids to support you when you finally find your mister.

Image via Modern Girls & Old Fashioned Men

Seen, Known, Loved: Messy Hair & Vulnerability

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I hope I’m not alone when I say that dating is not my thing. Though I don’t believe that I’m an awkward person, there’s something about the first few dates with someone new that makes my skin crawl. Do you open the door? Does he? Does he pay for dinner? Do you? What do you talk about? What do you do in those awkward silences in the car? When those silences last for more than a moment, I find myself saying things that I probably shouldn’t—things like “I HATE dating!”

But there is a sweet spot in new relationships that we all wish we could stay in forever. It’s that perfect time when you’re both still on your best behavior; when dates are no longer awkward but are actually really fun; when you still haven’t had a fight and when the romantic possibilities are endless.

And then things change.

All of a sudden intimacy happens and you’re a little bit too close to hide behind your best foot forward. You’ve stepped out of the shiny phase—the time when your hair looks perfect and both of you are fully armed with a lifetime supply of ChapStick—and you get to see each other, actually see each other for the very first time.

And that’s really scary.

It’s one thing to be rejected because you didn’t try hard enough or because you wore a stupid outfit on your first date. But if you’re rejected after this point, it’s for things that you can’t control — not for poorly controlling the things that you can. And that hurts much worse. That sting goes much deeper.

However, like most things that are hard and semi-terrifying, there’s also something absolutely wonderful that can happen in this moment. That person can look back at you, inches away, without the buffer of ChapStick or perfect hair. They can really see you, and really begin to love you. Not for who you pretend to be, not for your best foot forward, but for who you really are. Messy hair and all.

There’s a fantastic woman named Brene Brown, who is an author and a researcher primarily focused on the subject of vulnerability. After years of research and thousands of interviews, she found that true connection with others is one of our soul’s greatest needs. She also found that the only way to really have this kind of soul warming connection is to allow yourself to be really seen and really known.

The only way to get to this place is through vulnerability, and I wish that wasn’t true. Vulnerability is that moment when you’re left wide open to the possibility of the sting, hands limp, defenses down. And that is a scary place to be.

We live in a world that puts such a high price on perfection—a world where we are constantly buffing out and disciplining away our flaws, hiding them beneath pants that are made to flatter and kind lighting.

But there’s no courage in that quest—no authenticity and certainly no positive end result.

We cannot be fully loved if we are not fully known, which leaves us with a decision to make. We can either hide and protect ourselves, ensuring that although we wont be loved, we definitely wont be hurt; or we can go with something a bit more daring. We can choose another way to live — a way to live and breathe and love that’s wild and audacious. We can choose to stay in that moment when someone we love’s eyes are piercing straight through our carefully crafted façade, deciding not to wiggle away in favor of allowing them to really see into our depths. We can choose to gather up the courage to tell the whole truth of who we are with our whole heart.

We can choose to have to have the courage to be imperfect—to be authentic—letting go of who we think we should be and allowing people to really see who we are in the places we prefer to keep hidden. It’s only then that we can really be known, and only then that we can be loved in the way that our soul so deeply desires.

Vulnerability is choosing the daring hope that someone will see us and know us and choose to love us because of what they see—not for the show or for our perfectly styled hair.

There’s just nothing more courageous or deeply beautiful than that.

Image via Better Than Fine

Dear Ex, Thank You, Love Me

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“I think we should break up.” Of all of the responses to the dreaded break-up speech, “Thank you” assuredly ranks among the most rare. And while that may not be your initial response when the time with your significant other comes to a close, there’s no reason why it cannot be your lasting conclusion.

Let’s face it, ladies, when that fateful day arrives, there are really only two ways in coping with it: you can choose to be hateful; leaving a path of shattered picture frames and half-eaten pints of Ben & Jerry’s in your midst, or you can elect a more civilized route—reflect on the lessons learned throughout the relationship as a whole and arrive at a place of gratitude, instead. For no matter the length or nature of the relationship, that guy was placed in your life for a reason and his presence sought to teach you something as a result. Whether he schooled you about love and its nuances, or more importantly, served to grow you as a woman overall, he deserves a thank you for the part he played in making you a more self-aware version of you.

So while you may not be jumping at the opportunity to pen a thank you letter to the ghosts of boyfriends past, it might be therapeutic to toss a little gratitude their way. And in case the concept seems easier said than done, here is a list of ways to take that relationship-fueled frown and turn it upside down (chocolate helps, too). A list of ways to appreciate the last relationship for the lessons gleaned, all the while keeping a healthy perspective on how to prepare for the next one as well.

1) Post break-up, take a day to experience every emotion. Cry. Scream. Listen to Adele. Eat ice cream (yes, the whole pint if necessary, desperate times call for desperate measures). Just allow yourself to mourn. You have to confront your feelings head on otherwise they’ll rear their ugly head later (they’re stubborn like that).

2) Let yourself dream of someone else. Now Ryan Gosling probably isn’t realistic, but at least you’re dreaming. (Smile).

3) Once you’ve collected yourself, make a list of all of the positive things about the lost relationship. Did he treat you to some fancy and/or delicious dinners? Encourage you to try surfing? Teach you how to parallel park? Chances are the relationship offered a few memorable experiences.

4) Now write a list of things you might have changed in the relationship. It’s important to recognize the aspects that were less than stellar in order to avoid them in the future. Don’t bag on the guy, but rather honestly assess why things didn’t work out. Were there qualities about him you overlooked? Love tends to be blind, so jotting down a few items to keep in mind the next go around may assist you in avoiding heartbreak in the future.

5) Negotiables versus non-negotiables. While a check-list of specific items you expect in a future mate may be a bit extreme, it’s essential to make clear in your mind the qualities you will and will not budge on with regards to members of the opposite sex. If you absolutely will not date a guy who doesn’t want children someday or only desire a gent who upholds the same belief system as you, be sure to hold steady on these ideals. While a specific eye color or height preference can be negotiated, the big stuff should hold a bit more weight. No man is worth negotiating your principles for. Not a single one.

6) Call on your “people,” your community, your closest friends and family. Allow them to remind you why you’re so great (because let’s be honest, you’re awesome). As humans, our tendency is to immediately turn inward as to the cause of the break-up. And while you may not be completely guiltless, you’re certainly not solely to blame. Besides, sometimes it really is just a “it’s not you, it’s me” situation. And in those cases, you have to remind yourself, and have those around you remind you, too, that there has to be someone so much better waiting in the wings. Because there is. You simply haven’t met him yet.

7) Get back to awesome. In other words, take a little “you” time to focus on the things that make you happy. Try out a new workout class. Take a trip to visit a friend in another city. Get a pedicure. Make your favorite recipe and throw an impromptu dinner party. Thrive in the life you have now; the one that is abundantly rich in gifts and blessings. Remember that life existed before what’s his name and it will certainly exist after, too.

8) Write yourself a letter of recommendation for the next guy. Tell him all about yourself; your likes, your dislikes, strengths and weaknesses. This exercise will make you realize how much you bring to the table. Chances are, it’s a lot.

9) Think about this statement: Somewhere out there in the great big sea is a guy who is wondering what you’ll be like, too. We tend to think it’s just us gals that get all sentimental when dreaming about our future prince. But ladies, fact is, men do it, too. Whether they’ll readily admit it or not, they are just as curious as to which gal they’ll be blessed enough to share their last name with someday, too. Somehow when you consider it in these terms, the waiting doesn’t seem so arduous a task.

10) Finally, go out and buy a new pair of shoes. New shoes always make things better. Plus, you’ll need them to go with the outfit you’ll wear when the next lucky guy comes along to sweep you off your feet.

Don’t let this particular heartbreak allow you to become hardened to the possibility of love in the future. Sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs before you happen upon that prince. Release the hurt and anger you’ve been harboring for your ex(es), yes, even if they don’t deserve it, because let’s be honest, hating someone or something really is quite exhausting (plus it totally leads to frown lines). So to save your sanity, choose to see the glass as half-full in the aftermath instead. Be grateful for the lessons he taught you and thank him for letting you go, too. Because after all, his loss is someone else’s major gain.

Image via Fancy.