Category Archives: The Dreamer

The Dreamer Embodied: Rebecca Snavely, Co-Founder of Action Kivu

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The Dreamer Embodied: Rebecca Snavely, Co-Founder of Action Kivu | Darling Magazine

On the television show Project Runway, aspiring fashion designers sew for a chance at sudden fame and success. In the Democratic Republic of Congo, a small group of women sew in hopes of feeding and educating their children. These two realities, still so distant on our small planet, are connected by one woman: Rebecca Snavely.

Rebecca grew up a bookworm and followed her fascination with story into entertainment and journalism, and to countries like Ethiopia and Kosovo. Her most recent job is casting for Project Runway, where she explores the fashion blogging world in search of the next potential star. “My favorite part of the job is interviewing people to find out the quirks of their personal stories,” Rebecca told me by email.

A few years ago she and her friend Cate Haight, a film editor in Los Angeles, read Half the Sky, Nick Kristof and Sheryl Wudunn’s treatise on global injustice against women. When they reached the section about Congo, about rape being used as a weapon of war and the courage of women in the face of such violence, they decided together to do something. Through a friend, they connected with Amani Matabaro, a Congolese man who founded his own non-profit to serve women and children in eastern Congo. “I have never met anyone like Amani,” Rebecca told me. “Cate and I are inspired by his never-ending dedication to making a difference in his community, his persistence, his joy, his intelligence, his empathy and love for those he works and lives with.”

The Dreamer Embodied: Rebecca Snavely, Co-Founder of Action Kivu | Darling Magazine

She and Cate founded Action Kivu to help Amani fund his work, and to support positive change in Congo through the “powerful, purposeful people of its local communities.” The work they support tackles practical challenges like education, income generation, and stopping domestic violence. And it’s all driven by the needs of the Congolese communities where it’s accomplished. In a land where women are often scorned and abused, Ernata, a woman who learned tailoring in Amani’s program, sums up the benefits: “I am very proud of myself today, and my husband is proud of me and he’s happy to have me as a wife, especially as I help make an income for the family.”

Rebecca, Cate, and Amani plan to start a fair trade program to sell the products created in Congo in the American market, and to create a ‘Peace School’ to provide education for the vulnerable children of Amani’s home community, many of whom are orphaned by war and disease. Rebecca dreams of working full time on Action Kivu, connecting with funders and other partners to magnify their impact. The work of Action Kivu, she told me, “is what makes my heart break with anguish and joy, what wakes me up, what makes me come alive.”

The Dreamer Embodied: Rebecca Snavely, Co-Founder of Action Kivu | Darling Magazine

In the meantime, she will keep splitting her life across two worlds. “It’s an odd and beautiful balance of realities: women who are trying to sew their way into the world of fashion, and women who trying to sew their way out of poverty and into empowerment.” She is helping bring those stories a little closer together, and as she put it so well, “as we all grow closer and share our stories, helping each other find our talents and our voices, as we create places of peace, peace that is crucial for hope to take hold, we can learn from watching each other begin live life to the fullest, without fear.” A worthy dream indeed.

Rebecca told me you can support her and her dreams by connecting with Action Kivu on Facebook and Twitter, and by sharing the stories of the women, men and children of eastern Congo. You are, of course, encouraged to donate on their site. And introductions to foundations that might invest in their work would be a tremendous help.

This was originally featured on the Ember Arts blog as part of the Ember Dreamer series, which features members of the Ember community who are chasing inspiring dreams. Read the original post here >>

What You See Is What You Get

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What You See Is What You Get | Darling Magazine

The highway was clear and breezy with my hair whipping back from my face. The radio kept me company on a windy, spring drive. I stopped at a gas station for my favorite sparkling water and was greeted by an amiable cop with a sweet southern twang. I made easy conversation with the man behind the counter who took a friendly interest in my weekend plans—genuinely wishing me a very happy Friday as I left his small store.

I got back into the car shaking my head, amazed at the kindness of strangers—overwhelmed with goosebumps and a tugging at my tear ducts. It felt like nice things were strewn across my path that day, waiting to be delightfully discovered. And I was thankful. People were kind, flowers were extra sweet, and the birds’ chirping was melodically soothing. I sighed­—big and happy. The world felt like a puzzle, fitting together with ease and beauty.

On days like that my mind becomes an old, red Viewmaster, displaying my happy memories before my eyes. Click, click, click, the memories flip like the round disk of slides. I am overwhelmed and teary at the beautiful life I’m living.

On another, equally unassuming day, my alarm failed to go off. I woke up with 10 minutes to spare before I’d be late for work—again. With mascara half on and my foot blindly searching for a shoe, I hurried towards the door. Only when I was pulling away from my house did I realize that I was absolutely starving and impossibly sleepy.

Coffee is a non-negotiable on a day like that.

I sped toward the drive through only to find out that 10 other cars had the same idea. Too late to back out, I waited in line for what seemed like forever, watching the clock tick away until I was undoubtedly late for work.

The day got worse from there. Nothing seemed to go right and everything I did seemed wrong. I was sensitive and insecure, anxious and frantic. Sliding quickly towards the end of my rope, tears threatened to break through the thin veil that was barely holding them at bay.

I stepped outside for a moment to take a breath and look around. I remembered with amazement that just a few days before, the world had been a bright and shining place. What had happened to the smell of those flowers, and where were those darn birds? I couldn’t see beauty through my thick, angry fog.

It seems that on a good day, all I can see is beauty. It’s like my eyes are trained to only see bright colors and love—the rest of the world fading away into the background.

But on a bad day it’s the opposite. I am blind to joy and beauty and attuned to all of the bad things that hide down alleys and in the safety of the dark.

I wonder if it’s the day—if there’s a pattern or a rhyme or a reason. Is it a certain cereal or clocking the full eight hours? Is it your dreams or your stress level or is the coffee shop just always extra crowded on the days you’re in the biggest hurry? What’s the tipping point between the best days and the kinds where you want to give up and start again?

I think that the key is in our eyes.

On days when we feel good, when we’re tall and clean and rested, our eyes seem to be tuned differently. Maybe our eyes follow our mood, capturing the beautiful things around us that reflect the beauty stirring inside. Beauty sees beauty.

And the opposite seems true as well. We’re hurried and anxious and dissatisfied already, and our tuned-in eyes capture all of the things that reinforce that negativity. Frustration sees frustration.
What we see is what we get.

So what if we ask our eyes to go first? What if, even before our moods decide to cooperate, we ask our eyes to look for those beautiful things – not out of a good mood, but in an effort to create one? What if we decide, on purpose, to look for the beautiful things in the world – pulling our stubborn moods along until they’re ready to walk on their own?

I want to go through every day—regardless of which side of the bed I woke up on—and notice the sweet scent of the flowers, and the tickle of the wind ruffling my hair across my shoulder. I want to see the beauty that is strewn across my path each day—just waiting to be discovered.

What could we cultivate if we decided to look for beauty?

Photo by Gabriella Rose Photography

The Dreamer Embodied: Ciona Rouse, Founder of Do The Crazy Thing

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The Dreamer Embodied: Ciona Rouse, ?Founder of Do The Crazy Thing | Darling Magazine

At a writer’s workshop in Nashville, poet Ciona Rouse was prompted to write a postcard to herself from someone she had lost. She thought of her late friend and mentor, Teri. And when she saw a postcard with a picture of a busker balancing a sword on his chin, she knew it was the one. She flipped the card over and began to write, “Do the crazy thing…”

“This is exactly the way she lived and what she would say to me,” Ciona told me by email, “take risks, do the thing on your heart!” The resultant poem, Do The Crazy Thing, spoke to Ciona like an old friend at a time when she needed one. “I also remember it feeling so different from anything I usually write,” she said, “which made it feel even more like a special message from Teri just to me.”

The Dreamer Embodied: Ciona Rouse, Founder of Do The Crazy Thing | Darling Magazine“I see that the world will be made more wonderful by people discovering their passions and living fully into their wild and crazy dreams,” said Ciona.

The digital storyteller for lululemon athletica, the women’s athletic company where Ciona works, designed a poster to illustrate the poem and posted it on the company’s blog. The poster was pinned, tumbled and tweeted across the interwebs, and people started sharing stories of their ‘crazy things’ with Ciona, and telling her how her poem inspired them.

Now, two years later, Ciona just launched thecrazything.com, a place to inspire people to find and do the crazy things on their hearts. “I see that the world will be made more wonderful by people discovering their passions and living fully into their wild and crazy dreams,” said Ciona.

Ciona told me over Skype that Do The Crazy Thing feels like it belongs as much to her mentor as to herself. When Teri passed away, even people who had never met her sent cards, because everyone in the community knew someone she had touched. Ciona hopes that through thecrazything.com, people she has never met will be touched by the same simple, profound words that Teri inspired in her: “Do the crazy thing.”

This was originally featured on the Ember Arts blog as part of the Ember Dreamer series, which features members of the Ember community who are chasing inspiring dreams. Read the original post here >>

Myths & Meanings: Eating Disorder Resources

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Myths & Meanings: Eating Disorder Resources | Darling Magazine

This is continued from Myths & Meanings: Spotting The Signals And Getting Help…

The treatment of an eating disorder can be lengthy, hard to access, costly and not offer guarantees of a full recovery. Even with an incredible increase in research, outreach, advocacy and specialized treatment options over the last few decades, the statistics are still pretty bleak as the prevalence of eating disorders and disordered eating do not seem to be decreasing. And treatment providers at all levels of care add to this concern as they report seeing patients starting at younger and older ages.

That being said—do not give up hope nor stop fighting to decrease the prevalence of eating disorders. Your voice, your awareness, and your heart can help save lives. The following are some of my favorite organizations on the front lines helping improve education, advocacy, access to specialized treatment and awareness on local, state and federal levels…

I have been touched over the years by the men and women I have met, trained under and partnered with who are passionate about providing the best care to those suffering with food and body issues. There are so many brilliant and compassionate heroes devoting their careers to help people heal from the most deadly of all mental illnesses while battling the many myths around recovery and the treatment of eating disorders.

MYTH: Recovery from an eating disorder is not possible and I will always struggle with food and body issues.

MEANING: There are different views on this issue. I come from the view that recovery is possible—though it may look different for each person. Everyone has a different story, a unique genetic temperament and vulnerabilities. It is important a definition of recovery is full of hope, perseverance and has room for tough days.

Addressing issues beyond food and body image will be a continual part of someone’s life journey. Self worth issues, anxiety, depression, along with distressing life events and trauma are so important in decreasing the prevalence of lapse and relapses over the life span. We also need to continue to take a collective stand against the dieting industry and the unhealthy obsession with eating healthy as these are gateway drugs to developing eating disorders.

MYTH: I am either “Eating Disordered” or “Recovered.”

MEANING: The recovery process is not all or nothing but instead is a series of victories and lapses. Everyone has good and bad days, regardless of whether eating disorders are a part of our story. And recovery is not a destination or a competition but a daily choice. We need to caution against having worth and identity fused with the status of recovery. This unhealthy kind of competition and comparison puts recovery in jeopardy. I believe the recovery journey is a part of someone’s story, but never the sum total of their identity. And for those who are personally on this journey, keep your eyes and heart focused on your truth and path. This practice helps you build up emotional muscle when you are in the arena of life, living to the fullest.

MYTH: My eating disorder is not that serious. I do not need treatment.

MEANING: Over the years, so many people have reported to me this chilling statement as they fear being an emotional and financial burden to their loved ones. Minimizing and denying disordered eating thoughts and behaviors can be dangerous. Delaying treatment can lead to losing your choices, sometimes permanently. The human body is amazingly resilient but eating disorders can cause serious, and sometimes irreversible harm to your brain and related neurological systems, gastrointestinal and digestive systems, esophagus, teeth, skin, hair, eyes, bones.

There are several levels of care in the treatment of eating disorders.

  • Outpatient weekly or bi-weekly care (lowest level of care)
  • Intensive outpatient programs offering 3 partial days of care
  • Partial hospitalization programs/day treatment programs
  • Residential programs
  • Inpatient treatment programs (highest level of care)

Regardless of the level of care, the standards of care in the treatment of eating disorders involve a team trained in the treatment of eating disorders including a psychotherapist, primary care physician, registered dietitian and psychiatrist. Additional integrated therapies such as group, psychodrama, yoga, massage and acupuncture have also shown to be beneficial.

Image via Pinterest

Be Kind

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Be Kind | Darling Magazine

I once walked into a friend’s room looking for the hairbrush she had mentioned—next to the door on her desk. As I walked over to borrow it, her mirror caught my eye. Not the mirror itself, but the big black writing that covered it…

“You’re fat and disgusting. Stop eating. Get to the gym. This is NOT okay!”

I stepped back in shock—almost running into the bedpost I didn’t realize was behind me. My eyes took in the words one more time as my stomach flipped over. I felt woozy with the assault of those hate-filled words she had written about herself: “You’re disgusting. This is NOT okay.”

We live in a world that values the perfection of self above almost anything else. If you go to a bookstore, you can get lost for hours in the aisles of publications that whisper loudly that you’re not good enough, that promise to make you “perfect”—a different version of yourself—better.

“Look better naked.”
“3 Minutes to flat abs.”
“Why losing your butt may mean losing your man.”
“The Girlfriend Habit he’ll love you more for.”
“Beauty tips to move your career forward.”

We can’t open our eyes without seeing the message plastered all around us, “you’re not good enough. This is not ok. You have to change.”

And these messages don’t just come from the outside. We start to adopt them as our inner monologue, repeating mantras and admonishments to ourselves like a broken record—skipping over and over. We think that maybe if we hold a “realistic” view of ourselves, we can beat our imperfect selves into submission. We start to believe that if we could be better, we’d be happy. Or if we looked different, he never would have left.

Instead of standing in solidarity with the body, mind, soul, and life we live inside, we face off against it, treating ourselves as the enemy—as the one standing in the way of our happiness. These external messages are devastating, leaving us feeling small and insignificant or huge and undesirable as we drag ourselves out of the bookstore, vowing to change.

But the internal messages are worse.

Once those words and ideas and the list of “failures” become part of our own inner monologue, we’ve started to believe them. It’s no longer external, an idea, something we can fight. It’s internal—we believe the black words scrawled across our tenderest parts and believe that they tell the truth about who we are.

My heart broke as I read that mirror, because I knew how she felt as she was writing them.

Earlier that year I sat in a Starbucks with a notebook—scratching out a love letter to myself through my tears—a love letter that I didn’t believe a word of. My mind was a scratched record, hissing lie after lie into my ears and my heart. The lies said I was ugly and fat and undesirable and annoying and way too sensitive. I wasn’t good enough and was far too much to handle, all in one breath. I wanted out. I wanted to distance myself from the person that felt so hated by the world around her. I agreed with them. I hated her too. But barring some really scary ideas, I couldn’t quit my own team.

“I’m stuck with you,” I thought at myself.

And so for lack of a better option, in one tiny, barely perceptible effort, I tried to rejoin her team. I tried to like her, to make a peace offering—waving a white flag and moving towards the person that I had wished would just disappear. And very slowly things began to change.

What feels like a million feels later, I’m firmly back on my own team. I love myself and know who I am, what I’m worth and why I matter—most of the time. But that doesn’t mean that the lies leave me alone. If my jeans are a little too tight, I’m tempted to berate my “fat” self. If I can’t get everything done in one day, I’m tempted to call myself a failure. If I have a moment of insecurity or doubt, I’m tempted to write myself off as needy and not worth the effort.

But just like that day in the Starbucks, I’m learning slowly to be kind—to treat myself like I’d treat a best friend, with love and respect and the benefit of the doubt. I’m not an exception to my kindness. I’m the one who sets the standard.

The Power Of Our Stories

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The Power Of Our Stories | Darling Magazine

Our lives are a tapestry of experiences. Some are good, some are bad, and as we navigate the confusing waters between, it’s easy to feel alone. We can get stuck in our own little worlds, trying to shine ourselves up for the passersby that window-shop our lives. But on the inside, we sit in the dark wondering why this life is so hard and why we are the only ones that can’t get it together.

We need help—someone to walk with us and show us the way—maybe turning on a light or two.

What we don’t need is someone else to give us a list of steps and to tell us they’re easy. We have racks of magazines and stacks of books telling us that we’re not good enough. We have shows and programs to teach us how to be less of this kind of person and more like that. What we have less of is the people who live their lives with honesty and vulnerability—letting us see the moments as they happen, both good and bad, giving us hope and an example to follow.

In that way—our stories are one of the most important things we have. They’re the words and experiences that have gotten us from one place to another. They’re the moments of growth and of learning and of defeat that eventually turned to victory.

And in a deep, soul-tending way, those stories help—partly because they show us the way, but mostly because they show us that we’re not alone.

It’s one thing for someone to tell you that they’ve been there, or to casually reassure you that it’s all going to work out fine in the end. But it’s a totally other thing for that person to sit across the table from you and tell you that they know how hard it is to get out of bed in the morning—how it feels like the pit of depression is impossible to escape.

It’s reassuring to know that we’re not alone—that the confusion and hurt and doubt we’re experiencing isn’t only ours. There are people who have actually survived those swells and navigated those waters into a better way of living. It’s even better when they invite us to bring our ships right behind theirs—riding in the smooth protection of their wake.

Stories are the threads that connect humanity. They always have been. Stories were told before language was ever written, and shared before anyone knew how to read. They’re the ways that we reflect on who we’ve been and how we set a new course for who we’re going to become.

Stories are important. They’re the documentation of our lives—the way we touch the world outside of our immediate reach.

It’s tempting to think that the world needs lots of stories—but not ours. Tempting to believe that the only stories worth reading are stories of perfection, and good skin, and people starting orphanages in Africa. It’s tempting to think that the world doesn’t need our locked up, confusing mess of a story. That nobody would want to read about someone who is undone and knotted like us.

But the truth is that everyone is messy. Everyone has their own brand of confusion, their own specific flavor of doubt and insecurity and fear. And everyone needs to be told—from experience—that it’s all going to be ok. Everyone needs someone who has gone ahead, turned on some lights, and left some safety in their wake—that person can be you.

Will you live honestly and courageously? Will you tell your story?

Image via Beauty Is A Light In The Heart

Out With The Old, In With The New

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Out With The Old, In With The New | Darling Magazine

I love winter. I look forward to it for months, dancing giddily in the first snow of the year. I love winter for its magic. It’s a season full of candles and twinkling lights, sugar cookies and cider. It’s a time that invites coziness at every turn—warm chairs and fireplaces calling our names.

I love winter for the tradition—the families that come together doing the same things they’ve done for years. I love the familiarity of it and also the romance. Everything is enchanting under a light dusting of snow.

I love winter more than any other season, but by about February I’m ready to see it go. There’s a heaviness to winter that on particularly cold days, seems to chase joy away. Come February, I always find it hard to get out of bed—my skin not wanting to leave the cozy warmth of my covers. And instead of feeling warm and tended to in my glowy house, I begin to feel stifled—itching for sunlight and fresh air.

And so with the arrival of spring, I’m always incredibly grateful.

Spring is a season of newness—fresh life popping up from what was dead for so many months. It’s a time to step out from the heaviness of winter—feeling the warm sunshine for the first time all over again. Spring is a merciful new beginning that invites us to become new right along with it.
But newness isn’t inevitable.

If you’ve ever had a garden, you know that you have to clear away dead things to give life room to grow. The dead plants and the weeds have to be cut away before something new can take root.
And this is true for us as well.

We long for newness in our lives, especially after enduring the long winter months. We want to be new versions of ourselves, peeling away the old with our winter coats and leaving them far behind. And spring is the perfect time to step into something fresh. But for new growth to take root, we need to cut away a few things first.

What in your life needs to be cleared away? Are there relationships that no longer bring you life, or friendships that routinely make you feel small? Do you devote your time to a list of commitments that you secretly dread? Are you stuck under a pile of clutter, just craving a clean slate?

It can be intimidating to let go of things that are familiar, but once the ground is cleared, we can take hold of something fresh—intentionally planting something good and watching it grow.

What can you let go of as we step into these spring months? What new seeds are you going to plant in their place?

Image via Pinterest

Myths & Meanings: Spotting The Signals And Getting Help

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Myths & Meanings: Spotting The Signals And Getting Help | Darling Magazine

This is continued from Myths & Meanings: The Why Behind Eating Disorders…

Treating eating disorders and the disordered eating spectrum over the last decade has taught me about the immense importance of community when someone is seeking recovery. Many of my clients came to see me after they had been approached by a concerned friend, loved one, coach, teacher, or other important person in their life. It may have taken them a while to make it to my office, but the journey towards healing and wholeness often began with someone lovingly reaching out and expressed their love and concern. Below are myths and meanings related to spotting signals of an eating disorder and helping a friend get the care she needs…

MYTH: Until my friend is in the hospital, her eating and body issues are not that serious.

MEANING: People with eating disorders can be underweight, normal weight or overweight. It’s impossible to diagnose anyone just by looking at them. Eating disorders are also extremely difficult and costly to treat. Early intervention is absolutely crucial to hopefully decrease the intensity and duration of treatment and suffering. When someone is in the hospital, many choices are lost. We need more people to lead the way and challenge the fear that encourages staying silent, not getting involved and looking the other way. Minimizing, denying and rationalizing dangerous behaviors only perpetuate this deadly illness.

Speak up and share your concerns with your loved one when you observe:

  • Drastic weight loss/gain or regular weight cycling
  • Erratic mood swings/anxiety/depression
  • Consuming obsessions and preoccupations with food, body image, exercise, dieting and what others think
  • A loss of joy in activities that used to be energizing such as school, work or sports
  • Frequent trips to the bathroom
  • Frequent physical concerns such as stomach/GI pain, sore throat, chills, swollen glands, overuse injuries, joint pain
  • Abuse of over the counter medicines, prescription drugs, alcohol or illegal drugs
  • Isolation and disconnection from usual community
  • Secretive or unusual food behaviors
  • Negative self-talk or self-loathing

Eating disorders thrive on disconnection and fear. Speak up. You never know. You may be saving a life.

MYTH: If I share my concerns with my friend about her disordered eating behaviors, I will ruin our friendship.

MEANING: It can really be really scary approaching someone you care for with your concerns about her health and well being. But staying silent when you are seeing behaviors that are destructive is like colluding with the problem. It will take a lot of courage and a sound mind to risk a relationship in order shed light on the harmful behaviors you are witnessing. Remember, you are not responsible for changing the behaviors of your loved one. Someone can only change if she wants to change, but do not underestimate the power of sharing your heart—even if it is not well-received initially.

Also, do not be surprised if your concerns are met with resistance and rejection. She may even react with anger and denial. There is a lot of shame and pain that goes along with having an eating disorder. It is also important not to rush the person, and instead recognize that it will take time for the person to make lasting changes. Show compassion for the pain and confusion that the individual is experiencing while encouraging your loved one to see themselves as more than their eating disorder. Use “I” statements as you:

  • Focus on feelings and your relationship, not on weight and food.
  • Share your specific concerns based on your observations about your loved one’s well being.
  • Communicate only when you can maintain a neutral demeanor. Think about the best time for you and your loved one to communicate so that you are setting everyone up for success to be heard, even if there is conflict. Avoid power struggles about eating or their other destructive behaviors.
  • Empathize with feeling out of control, ashamed, unhappy with your body or your own struggles with perfectionism or people pleasing. While you have a different story than your friend, connect on shared emotional experiences, reducing the shame of the eating disorder.
  • NOTE: Avoid comments about looks. Comments about weight and appearance only reinforce their obsession with image and the numbers on the scale.

MYTH: I cannot break a promise I made to keep a secret about my friend’s eating disorder.

MEANING: Being a person who is trustworthy is a highly valued character trait. But secret keeping is only appropriate when keeping that secret does not do harm to self or others. Secrets like these can:

  • Be a burden, wear you down and are isolating
  • Leave you feeling trapped and stressed by your value to keep your word
  • Negatively impact your own emotional well-being.

Breaking a promise that is motivated to help someone is important and necessary. Remember, eating disorders perpetuate secrecy—and a secret that hurts someone is not a secret, but rather about control and fear. Reach out and find someone safe to carry this burden with you and move towards an action plan to speak up to your friend in need.

Stay tuned for the final part of my series, where I will highlight different resources and types of care available to those struggling with eating disorders and disordered eating…