Category Archives: The Confidant

The Ladder Not Worth Climbing

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The Ladder Not Worth Climbing | Darling Magazine

Whether you feel like you’re on the bottom rung or the top rung of the ladder, we’ve all experienced the social climb at one point or another. Maybe you’ve been stepped on by someone climbing their way to the top or perhaps you yourself have felt the need to associate with those you felt were above you, “elevating” your own self worth. Regardless of your position on the ladder, social climbing is not a strategy that promotes a healthy relationship with ourselves or lends itself deep, long-lasting relationships with others.

To begin, the idea that spending time with a person that you believe will help you feel important or valuable gives others more power than they ought to have. No other human being should be able to determine our worth. Yet, when we feel that we become more worthy by mere association, the words and actions of the other carry more weight than they should. When we find ourselves in this position, we fear a negative interaction having already determined that it means something about who we are. Here, the hurtful action fails to stay with its rightful owner because we have allowed it to mean that there is a defect in us. When this occurs, we are often too quick to prove ourselves to gain approval, creating a codependent relationship.

When we feel the strong need to associate with another to improve our own social status, we are giving ourselves a difficult and dangerous message about our own identity. When we pressure ourselves to become a part of this desired “inner circle,” we are saying, “there are inadequacies in me that need to be filled by someone else” and “I am not enough or acceptable as I am.” When we find ourselves in this unhealthy social climb, we are wise to examine our relationship with ourselves…how are you treating yourself? Are you being the kind of friend to yourself you hope to have in others? Beating ourselves up about who we are will only send us looking for validation in all the wrong places.

Not only is the social climb futile in elevating our own self-worth, but we are also unable to climb up without stepping on someone else, hurting others in the process. When we are focused on chasing after relationships that make us feel important, we sacrifice other relationships. Not only do we risk sacrificing relationships that are truly meaningful, but we also give these people the message that they are not valued enough to spend our attention and time with. Stepping on other people in hurtful ways is not becoming in any way and is hardly a means winning meaningful friendships.

The social climbing habit has implications for our relationship with ourselves as well as our relationships with others. When we make a habit of pursuing relationships with the “right” people at all costs, we are focused on what they can do for us rather than enjoying their uniqueness and the gifts that they truly have to offer. In addition, we are focused on how they can serve us and we miss opportunities to serve them. Friendships should be characterized by give and take and using people to benefit our own social status will hardly grant us the kind of relationships that we all long for.

While social climbing is often a tactic we use to seek a salve for feeling inadequate, pursuing friendships to make ourselves feel important leave us feeling more empty and alone because we fail to give ourselves a message of value, depending on others to validate our self worth. Further, when we focus on our social status, we miss out true connection that lasting friendships are built upon. So if you are someone who finds yourself pining after particular friends, it might be a good idea to ask yourself why these friendships are important to you and what your motivation might be for pursuing the friendship. If you find yourself climbing the social ladder, perhaps the best place to start is to climb down and work on your relationship with yourself. This investment will not disappoint.

You Are Not Forgotten

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You Are Not Forgotten | Darling Magazine

Mother’s Day is one of the most empowering holidays on the calendar. It celebrates the beautiful gift we women possess, to bring children into the world, and notes the lavish amount of time that we spend raising them. The road to becoming a mother may not always be easy, but it is wholly unique to womanhood and one of the most endearing life experiences we can have.

On this Mother’s Day, we want to take a moment to remember the “forgotten” mothers. The women who were never able to hold their babies, and those to long to hold their children again.

Many can overlook the despair of miscarriage and child loss on a day of celebration, because only those who have been affected by its loss can truly understand the grief that is felt each and every day following. If you know someone facing sorrow today, whether a recent loss or one from long ago, you probably know that no words can heal the brokenness. It is a delicate topic, and should be approached with few words, but no mother wants her child to go unremembered. Giving a gift of flowers and a “thinking of you today” note can be a beautiful way to show that you remember not only the mother, but also the child.

For those of us who have faced loss in our own lives, creating a routine for Mother’s Day is profound way to remember a child. A remembrance can be as simple as lighting a candle, looking through photos, planting a tree, or visiting a grave with family. The significant part is that you are creating a goal for this day–to remember and celebrate the precious child who made you a mother.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers reading, especially to those who are missing a loved one. You are not forgotten.

Image via Pinterest

Significant With or Without a Significant Other

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Significant With or Without a Significant Other | Darling Magazine

“You is kind. You is smart. And you is important.” These are the precious words Aibileen shared with young Mae Mobley in the movie, The Help. While the words are simple, the message is deep…it’s about communicating the truth about her value and significance regardless of her circumstances. Most of us have no objection seeing a young girl as unconditionally valuable, yet we often hold ourselves to a different standard. What about the “little girl” inside each of us that longs to know that we are significant regardless of our circumstances?

I distinctly remember reading a post from author Shauna Niequist on Valentine’s Day where she ended her thoughts by saying, “Remember that you are significant with or without a significant other.” All too often, we as young women judge our worth based on whether or not we have a significant other as if being in a relationship increases our value or earns us a stamp of approval. So how do we take our value out of the hands of the other? How can we be in relationship and claim the truth about our value regardless of the outcome of that relationship?

Go To The Root
We all have insecurities and recurring pain. However the kind of pain we feel in the midst of difficult circumstances is unique to each of us based on the painful times in our own stories. How did you learn that you needed a guy to love you in order to be lovable? Perhaps you experienced a relationship that caused you to question whether or not you were loved or perhaps you endured a tragedy that left you questioning your own empowerment in the world. Whatever events your story holds, one of the bests gifts we can give ourselves now is to revisit those moments and speak truth to the little girl that began to question her value and safety. Going back to the root of our pain is the best way to move forward on a new path where we can truly own our worth. It is difficult to claim our value now while still doubting our value in the past.’’

Be You
When we question our value, we begin to question the person that we are—our strengths, our weaknesses, our personality. When we start to question the person that we are, we will likely alter ourselves in ways that are not true to ourselves. We become the person that we perceive others’ want us to be. Here, we must realize the message that we send ourselves in the process of trying to become someone else. By rejecting who we are to please others we are saying, “I am not good enough as is and I am not wanted or lovable as I am now.” Instead, of altering yourself out of your insecurities, start by articulating the message you want to give yourself and decide how you want to act based on this truth. If you knew unequivocally that you were valuable, how would you interact in your relationship with yourself and others? How would your priorities be different? Chances are a life based on the truth about your worth looks different than your current life.

Live Your Truth
Our actions should speak louder than words. Whether we are in a relationship or not, the way that we conduct ourselves should speak to the knowledge of our unconditional value. While we should not become invulnerable, never depending on anyone for support, the choices we make in our relationships should reflect a strong relationship with ourselves. Making choices based on the knowledge that we are worthy and valued will not only lead to healthier relationships, but we will also attract the right person who loves us for who we truly are and not someone who loves us for our performance as someone we are not. Isn’t this what we had hoped to find in the first place?

As women, we dream, we plan, we hope…we have an idea of what we hope our life looks like. It is healthy to dream and it is healthy to hope. However when a deviation from our plans, hopes and dreams means that we turn on ourselves and question how lovable we are, we MUST revisit our worth through the lens of the truth about who we are regardless of our circumstances. So, in the words of Shauna Niequist, “Remember you are significant with or without a significant other.”

Image via Wit & Delight

Inviting Mentors Into Our Lives

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Inviting Mentors Into Our Lives | Darling Magazine

Perhaps you are embarking on a new career…or maybe you have just moved to a new town…or maybe you’re looking at the rest of adulthood and feel overwhelmed with feelings of doubt about yourself and your abilities to conquer those fears. Whatever your situation, mentors can be an invaluable resource in terms of helping us grow professionally and develop into the person we hope to be. But how do we go about inviting these potential mentors into our lives? How do we forge a deeper relationship with those we hope to gain wisdom from?

Reach
It may sound obvious and simple, but the truth is that when it comes to asking our potential mentors to coffee or lunch, most of us tend to feel as though we are asking our crush to prom…asking for this time with someone we admire can bring up all of our insecurities about ourselves and questions about our own worth. We tend to react to these feelings but second-guessing ourselves or withdrawing and avoiding the potential relationship all together. First check yourself for what might be blocking you from reaching out. Next, determine the truth about yourself and reach with confidence knowing that a “yes” or “no” does not determine your value. At least you had the courage to ask! Also, always keep in mind that regardless of your potential mentor’s answer, they will most likely be flattered and honored that you asked!

Treat
A simple gesture like treating someone to coffee or lunch may require a small investment on your part, but can go a long way in showing your potential mentor the heart behind asking them to play a more integral part of your life. These small gestures are a way of showing your appreciation for their time, resources, and investment in your life and demonstrate that you are willing to do your part in the process, assuring them that you will not take these things for granted.

Thanks
Remember thank-you notes? Whether or not your mom insisted you write them for every occasion growing up, they are important now! When someone gives you the gift of investment in your life, appreciation is key to letting them know that you are aware of their efforts and thankful. Different from a friendship, these relationships are often not completely balanced in terms of give and take. Often mentors will pour into mentees life, and not vice versa. Given that these are often not balanced relationships, a demonstration of appreciate is crucial. In addition, expressing gratitude will allow you the opportunity to articulate exactly how they are impacting your life.

Ask
While this is not likely a balanced relationship in terms of give and take, everyone likes to be asked questions about themselves. A reciprocal conversation will create a more dynamic relationship rather than your mentor feeling like she is constantly interviewing you. Also, you will show him/her that you have a desire to learn from who they are and the experiences they have had.

Pay it Forward
When someone is pouring into our lives, it is important that we take the opportunity to pour into others’ lives. Passing along what you have learned from your mentor is a way of giving back and being a positive influence in someone else’s life the way that your mentor has been in yours. Not only will you give back, but you will also learn a lot in the process and gain further appreciation for your own mentor.

Mentors are tremendous gifts both personally and professionally and an opportunity to learn from someone you admire. In addition, it is always important to have a support system in place so when the valleys of life come, you have solid relationships you know you can count on. You will never regret that first invitation!

For more thoughts on the value of mentors, check out “The Give And Take: The Value Of Mentoring” in our Spring Issue.

Image via Pinterest

How To Be Friends With Difficult People

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How To Be Friends With Difficult People | Darling Magazine

In second grade, I met my first best friend, Kimberly. She was the kind of friend I knew I’d be friends with forever because we were practically twins and did just about everything together. Our friendship was easy because it was simple; we shared a liking for simple things—foursquare, jello-cups and fishtail braids. These simple facts bonded together two naive seven year olds. Looking back, it’s foolish to think I couldn’t have been best friends with everyone else in my grade (because who doesn’t enjoy foursquare?!). Unfortunately, as we grow older, simple facts are just that and not everyone we encounter will become our insta-friends, let alone a Kimberly.

Relationships will only continue to come in and out of our lives and as more and more people surround us—whether from our career paths, various friend circles, church communities, etc., we are bound to run into someone who doesn’t necessarily captivate our attention. Though it’s okay not being friends with everyone you exchange names with, it’s not okay to think we can’t learn from those who we find ourselves very different from. Be it their interests, beliefs and even their humor—there is depth in our differences. And it’s definitely not okay to think they don’t deserve love from you (even if it’s a tiny slice of it).

The reason I find it important to address this issue is that, oftentimes, we only want to be friends with people whom we can fully immerse our being in—people who we can benefit from. The friends we love can easily seem like the only people we want to be around, but I want to challenge us to be friends with those we find it harder to be around. I think in a way, we are supposed to. Loving others knows no preferences, and loving others (even if it’s in a different way than you do towards your BFFs) extends our character and truly makes our hearts more full. We can’t be tied to the hip with everyone, but we should at the very least, be friendly.

Here are some thoughts that might help this at times challenging endeavor…

Realize you can’t satisfy everyone, but know that you can give respect in moments by asking, “how are you,” by giving a warm smile or saying a simple, “hello.”

Remember the love that has been given to you—because though others may be hard to love, you can be too. We need to extend our love in ways we best know how, because of the love that has been extended towards us.

Remove your own agenda when it comes to kindness. Our motivation of being loving towards others should be rooted in our desire to position others towards betterment, as oppose to making ourselves feel better.

I suppose I could have just summed up this article with the golden rule, “Treat others the way you’d want to be treated,” but I would also like to add, there is a delightful light in everyone. Sometimes you will be the one to draw that out fully, and sometimes you are not the one equipped to. But rest in the fact that an attitude of love spurs other attitudes towards love. And that’s the stuff that makes friends into best friends.

Image via Modern Hepburn

Make New Friends…But Keep The Old!

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Make New Friends…But Keep the Old! | Darling Magazine

Earlier this year contributor Lauren Tien shared simple tips for long-distance friendships, but since you really can never have too many ideas for keeping in touch with loved ones, we asked Nicole to share a few more ideas for staying close with those old friendships we don’t want to let go of…

We have all heard the old adage, “Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold.” While this well-known phrase rolls off the tongue easily, following through on this principle may be easier said than done. All too often we find ourselves either living in the past and clinging to our old friends in a way that keeps us from investing in where we live right now or blazing forward, forgetting the friendships that we have held dear for a long time. So how do we invest in our current lives and continue to honor our close friendships from afar?

Reunion Trips
While it may not be the most cost effective option, there is no better way to celebrate your friendships than planning a special reunion trip to spend quality time together. Meeting in a relaxing spot for a girls’ weekend puts everyone in vacation mode and allows each individual to take a break from their routine, making enjoying the friendships the focus. Taking time away sets the stage for quality conversation and spontaneous memories that might not occur in the context of our daily life’s schedule.

Catch Up In the Car
Rather than spending time in the car trying to keep your frustration at bay, try catching up with friend instead! Keep a running list of people you would like to check in with and make it a point to call at least one person during your daily commute. Using the dead time that is already built into your schedule can help you to stay in touch without trying to squeeze too much into your daily routine.

Celebrate
Even though you may not be able to attend a birthday lunch or engagement party living long distances from your friends, an extra special gesture such as sending a gift or having flowers sent to the party can be an extra special way to communicate that you are there to celebrate in spirit. Those little gestures show your friends that you care and are thinking of them from afar.

The Quick Text
While it is not the ideal medium for ongoing communication, sometimes a quick text is enough to let a friend know you are thinking of them. Often we become overwhelmed by the idea of fitting in an hour-long phone call into our daily routines and fail to communicate at all. Rather than owning an “all or nothing” mentality, a quick text in between phone conversations can send the message that you care to touch base in the “in-between” of life.

As a recent East Coast Transplant, I can appreciate the difficulty of the task to put down roots where you are, while keeping in touch with loved ones who live far away. However, it is possible to love new friends and old friends well and employing these simple strategies will help. Keeping in touch with people from all walks of life helps us appreciate all of the people who have shaped who we are today.

Image via Pinterest

Misunderstood

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Misunderstood | Darling Magazine

One of the most frustrating and helpless feelings I have ever experienced is being misunderstood with no way to fix it. No matter how much we try to communicate, and no matter how much we try to be ourselves, sometimes our inner workings are too different from each other to truly see the ground floor of someone. Through the years, it has become easier for me to accept because I have been graciously gifted with a handful of people that can see through to the core of who I am. I know that not everyone is so lucky, and some personality types suffer more than others. It truly grieves me to think about those women who feel like no one sees them.

It is safe to say that I have spent a lot of my life feeling misunderstood. I know that it is developmental in a way for young people, but there has always been this lingering, nagging feeling inside of me that people cannot see my heart. I have always longed to be known and understood. I have always craved understanding, for someone to just know what makes me tick. No explanations needed. No buffers or disclaimers. No fear. But we are all just humans. We are not perfect, and there are a few things I have learned that have kept me afloat when, for whatever reason, someone’s eyes are closed to my heart.

Ground Yourself In Truth
Being misunderstood leaves us feeling insecure. When someone looks at you with judgment or assumption, it is so easy to feel unloved. As people, we hunger for love in a very deep way and being denied it can shake us to our bones. It can leave us defensive, overly sensitive, and confrontational. Or many times, it can leave us just plain sad. It is important to own that feeling, but respond to it with truth. You don’t have to believe it right away, but when you constantly remind yourself of what is real: that you have worth, value, and deserve to be loved for who you are, eventually it will begin to sink in. If you feel like you can’t do it, go to a trusted loved one that you know will. Ask them to lay it on you so that you can hear it from somewhere. There is no shame in asking for a little love when the world is trying to twist your mind.

Let It Go
At some point, everyone will find herself in a situation in a relationship that is truly unfair. Accusation will fly, deception will creep in, and pride will rear its ugly head. In those moments, it is worth fighting for truth, but we have to have the wisdom to know where the line is. And we must know that ultimately, it is not our job to defend ourselves. We will not always be able to correct a wrong perception or explain until understanding comes. There are times when you have to open up your hands and let it go. That means letting someone perceive you in a way that you know is untrue. I have been in many situations where I eventually have to let an offensive comment go because I know I won’t be able to convince the person to see me for who I know I am. I have also made the mistake of fighting too hard for justice when it will never come. In letting go, we have to also let go of our own offenses and remember the times that we have done the same to others. Holding on to the hurt and building resentment against someone who does not understand you is not only counterproductive; it makes your heart feel sick.

Be And Stay Real
Look in the mirror. Get honest. It’s not all flowers and butterflies in there, is it? Part of being understood is not just being known for the goodness inside of you. If you really want to be seen you will have to be real about the things you are not proud of as well. When we are confronted with something we feel is not justified, the first question we ask ourselves has to be, “Is this true?” Sometimes it will be and sometimes it won’t be. We have to consider it and let it roll around inside of ourselves before we gear up for war. Sometimes it may be helpful to ask for another outside perspective. Being misunderstood can also create a tendency for us to be closed off. Don’t let the pain of misunderstanding and loss make you hide who you are. It takes a lot of courage to commit to being yourself when who you are has not always been appreciated.

If you are lucky enough to be the steward of friendships that give you the room to be transparent, be sure to return the favor and celebrate the people you care about. If you want unconditional love, you will have to give it. If you want to be seen, you will have to see, for yourself. If you want to be safe in relationships, you will have to create a safe place for others as well. Be more concerned about being free from anger than about getting justice, and you will have the opportunity to not only live it, but also teach it.

Image via Modern Hepburn

Authentic Community: Finding Your Net

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Authentic Community: Finding Your Net | Darling Magazine

Last July, I found myself in a dark room surrounded by five of my closest friends. It was the night before my best friend Lydia’s wedding, and a bunch of us had gathered at her house for one last single lady sleep over. We talked, ate snacks and finished up the last of the place cards, and around 12:30 in the morning decided that we should probably get some rest for the big day. We turned out the lights and got into the beds, mattresses and sleeping bags which were spread all over the floor so we could all sleep in the same room. And just as we had all settled in, Lydia asked if we could pray for her and her upcoming wedding…

I’ve always been a social person. My soul craves to be with others. I used to think that this was a weakness, as if it was wrong to need others love and support in my life. For years, I flew solo and rarely opened up to people. My intuition to help and be around others made me “the fixer” of my friends, but when I needed support, I was always on my own. You can imagine what years of loneliness and doubt did to my spirit. I slowly crumbled. I needed a net—an authentic community that would be with me in my joys and catch me when I fall.

That summer night, we all circled around Lydia and took turns lifting up our prayers and blessings for our dear friend and her new husband. As the girls poured their support over Lydia, I began to cry. Love was present and tangible—in our prayers, in our tears of joy. This was my net.

As I spoke to the others in the days that followed, I realized that I wasn’t alone in my thankfulness. We all agreed that we had found something rare and special in one another, something we had been craving for most of our lives. Since then, it has become apparent to me that this is a need that most women have. We desire an authentic and loving community of friends that we can trust completely, and share our happiness and fears with. The trouble is that it can be so hard to find, and most of us continuously reside in a pit of loneliness and self-doubt.

Needing and desiring authentic community is not a weakness. It is a gift, a sign of strength. Though it can be hard to find, it is not impossible to discover. Here are a few key lessons I’ve learned that helped me find my net…

Be Vulnerable
Being vulnerable with others is so tricky, but it is absolutely key. Invite people into your life. Tell your friends, old or new, about your goals, dreams, fears, and emotions. It not only reveals trust, which is the foundation of any good friendship, but it will help strengthen your confidence. Some people have boundaries, and won’t respond to your openness. It’s important that you remember that this is okay, and not a bad reflection on you or them. Those that do respond to your vulnerability, though, will grow closer to you and will join your net. And like Lydia, ask for what you need from your friends. Lydia honestly shared what she needed from us that evening, and us meeting her where she was at and helping her not only filled up her heart but all of ours, as well. By being vulnerable, you may change someone else’s life for the better.

Try New Things
If you are finding that you are in a rut and not meeting new people (or are bored with your old friends), go out and try something new. Challenge yourself and be adventurous! You’ll not only learn more about yourself, but you might just meet others who are interested in the same things.

Smile
Life is hard, but being positive and smiling more will draw others closer to you. This doesn’t mean you can’t share your sadness or fears with others! No, you should be vulnerable and open up with your community. But it can be very difficult to manage a friend who is always sad and negative. Be compassionate with yourself, and let yourself smile! Your happiness will attract others to you.

Image via Forty-Sixth At Grace