Author Archives: Teresa Archer

About Teresa Archer

Teresa has her BA with honors in English Literature and Art History from Vassar College (NY), was born in London, England, and is settled in Tauranga, New Zealand. She loves to travel, write, sport her grandmother's couture from the 1940s, and keeps a blog at www.teresaarcher.com.

Step Two: Choosing Proper Attire

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Step Two: Choosing Proper Attire | Darling Magazine

This is part of our Professional Dinner Guest Series, a guide on how to become the kind of dinner guest that people enjoy having over and invite back regularly. Catch up on previous posts here. Also, since choosing proper attire is something that many of us struggle with for all kinds of occasions, we will be doing a special series on how to dress for specific occasions in the coming months.

Of at least equal or perhaps even more importance than bringing a “thank you” present, is what you have chosen to wear as a guest and participant of the party’s theme. In today’s world, there seems to be a lot more diversity in style than, say, back in the 1800s. We obviously do not (often) require men that they keep their dinner jacket on the entire event, or expect floor-length gowns and up-done hair on women.

Still, there exists for any occasion a variance of appropriate clothing and attire from which we probably shouldn’t stray far from. Unless you have made your mark in your group of friends as the eccentric odd-ball who randomly dons scuba attire in public like Spike, the character from Notting Hill, what you wear to an event speaks volumes about your respect for the hosts and the other guests.

Firstly, consider two basic principles of clothing…

Appropriateness
Ask “what are we celebrating or enjoying?” and remember that there is a line between being interesting and tiresome. Clarify with yourself the difference and keep your clothing within the boundaries of interesting (funky glasses) and not stray into out-of-place (face paint). What you put on your body is your statement to those around you about not only what you think of yourself, but also what you think about them and their party. Your attire at these kind of events will always be noted and catalogued by others, as much as we like to pretend they aren’t.

Honor
Ask yourself: “By my clothes, am I honoring the theme and my hosts?” Wearing that plunging neckline shirt or shorter-than-short cocktail dress when you are seated next to your hostess’ man/husband/boyfriend/father will most likely not win you any brownie points and can be a deciding factor in whether or not she would like you to be present at her next party. I’m not suggesting that you wear a potato sack, but do be sensitive to both the moral and social customs of the family or home you are entering, honoring other women’s relationships through your own modesty. In a nutshell: dress with style and integrity, and save that hot number for another night out (or in) with the girls or your own man.

Now that we’ve covered that, there are four basic attire choices that most outfit choices fall under: girly, swanky, relaxed, and costume.

Girly
This is what I would classify as any event that is “girls-only,” and can include—but is not limited to—pre-wedding teas, lingerie showers, book-club parties, birthday (daytime) luncheons, and perhaps sweet-sixteen strawberry shortcake soirees (I’m just dreaming here). If the event is about girls getting together, enjoying sweet treats, celebrating friends and their birthdays who are ladies, or just having a bit of fun over discussion of books or doing crafts, then I classify it as “girly.” This does not mean that you have to enjoy the color pink (I don’t) or be in love with polka-dots (I am), but that nothing would be more inappropriate than to come wearing your skin-tight leopard-print mini-dress, or, conversely, cut-off shorts and a t-shirt. If the gathering has a theme like “tea party,” coming in all-black—though it might reflect your inner sarcasm—is just a downer for the other guests who dressed according to the standard of the party.

Swanky
I use this term mostly for fine dining, dinner parties, events (a show or awards ceremony followed by an after-party), and some ladies’ nights. I once went to a party in Sardenia, Italy at Cipriani’s “Club Billionaire” (I can’t help but mention the obnoxious name), the theme of which was A Touch of Turquoise. The invitations had turquoise silk ribbons tied around them, and I took mine and wove it through my hairstyle, keeping with my planned black dress. Immediately upon arrival, a woman in a see-through glittering dark gown waltzed in front of me. Her “touch” of the color lay under her gown, in bright and garish blue display for all to see (I’m not thrilled that I now know that she prefers high-cut to low-rise briefs).

Please remember who will be at parties even in your quest to be flirtatiously fun, and keep on the classy side, especially at parties where other women will be with their husbands or boyfriends. Also, if your hosts have planned a party invitation that reads something in the line of “dress to impress” or “formal fun,” arriving in jeans, sandals and a sweater—no matter how nice the fabric—conveys the impression that you do not care for their careful preparation nor the atmosphere they wanted to create in their event.

Relaxed
This is for the “bring your own meat” BBQ dinner, potluck, or birthday party. Unless otherwise stipulated as formal, anytime I receive an invitation for a dinner and it has the word “potluck” or “barbeque” in it, I remove fancy heels, silk dresses, and extreme jewelry from my mental wardrobe. I also remember that “pool party” doesn’t mean that I can remain in my bikini until 10:00 p.m., and make sure to bring a relaxed skirt and top or halter dress so that I can transition with the rest of the party, and remain warm into the night.

Costume or Theme
This one is fairly obvious. If a theme has been presented such as Halloween, Superheroes, Hip Hop, 4th of July, Hunger Games, Wes Anderson characters, you name it, then come dressed as one of these. It’s frustrating for a host to go to all of the effort of creating a particular setting and atmosphere only for guests to ignore it or believe themselves to be the exception. The reality is, you will quickly gain a reputation as that person who won’t play along, and it can be a deciding factor for your invitations once numbers are crunched. If you are struggling with an idea, call a friend also invited or the hosts themselves. The theme and the party belong to the people creating it, not to you, so if you decide to attend, you must remember to attend in the spirit by which you are invited. Come ready to be ridiculous with the rest of the party—we can all use a little less self-imposed seriousness and an injection of silly from time-to-time.

In the end, enjoy each occasion for what it is, and get into the spirit by dressing according to the situation. You are invited to join into what has been planned, not to stage a theme-party coup. When in doubt, ring up your hostess or host and ask what they are planning to wear, then match their level of commitment to their theme. If they tell you that they are still waiting on their authentic studio-made replica Catwoman costume to arrive, your idea to come in street clothes and write “hipster” on a sign might need to be altered. When preparing to attend these parties, go all the way—buy that Moonrise Kingdom pair of binoculars, find a fancy and fashionable cocktail dress, or have your flouncy frock on standby to be ready to party, whatever the occasion.

Image via Matchbook Magazine, November 2012

Step One: Returning The Favor

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Step One: Return The Favor | Darling Magazine

This is part of our Professional Dinner Guest series, a guide on how to become the kind of dinner guest that people enjoy having over and invite back regularly. Catch up on previous posts here.

Today we will approach the “front door” of professional “guesting,” the first impression a hostess will have of you: what you have prepared. The hostess or host has prepared ambience, a meal, and an evening event—what have you brought to say “thank you?”

Now it is generally not expected that every guest would think to bring something to an event, especially when it is not a potluck or a barbecue. That does not, however, imply that it’s wrong to do so. Bringing a gift for the hosts of the party is a thoughtful and gracious way to say “thank you” and also “I understand that it takes work to make these evenings go smoothly.” Whether or not they end up smooth is not the issue—you should thank them in advance anyway.

Gifts, however, are a bit of an art form. There is no need to feel intimidated by the thought of thinking up the perfect item—there are standbys that will always suffice and bring a warm smile to the face of those who have invited you. Remember, they invited you into their home, they made an effort so that you could be comfortable and well fed, and it is the least you can do to reciprocate in return.

Let’s start with what NOT to do…

1. Show up empty-handed. Regardless as to the type of event (formal dinner party or backyard cook-out), there is always an opportunity to bless and contribute.

2. Overdo it. If it takes both hands to lift it, it’s too big of a gift. If it’s something like a massive basket with 20 items, not only is it probably not situationally appropriate (that’s for when your neighbor is ill and stuck in bed or a relative passes away), but also a bulky bother for those you are giving it to.

3. Give money. Unless the host has found an inventive way to ask for it, like a money jar at the entrance, or asked for it in advance, I have found offering to pay once you have arrived a tacky and sometimes embarrassing idea. However, in the case of a potluck—say for a holiday dinner—it’s okay to offer ahead of time to help buy the Turkey before the host cooks it. Just be sure not to mention it over the table of guests that you did so. Making other guests feel guilty is not something your host will appreciate.

4. Bring porcelain figurines, candelabra or knick knacks. Unless you already know that your host has a very particular proclivity to a certain style, buying these kinds of items can create stress for the hosts if they do not like them. In fact, you might not get invited again because they have already re-gifted your bird figurine and are worried you will notice it’s absence and be offended.

Instead, bring one of these tried-and-true best gifts…

1. Flowers. Probably shy away from a dozen red roses, but otherwise, flowers can be a beautiful centerpiece for the evening, especially if your friend has forgotten a centerpiece in the rush of getting prepared. Try to select blooms that will last for at least a week so they can enjoy them for the maximum amount of time. Also, have them in some sort of water already (even in just a bag taped around the base of the stems) in case they don’t have time to deal with them in the rush of guests arriving. Better yet, offer to put them in a vase yourself.

2. Gourmet chocolates. A little box of truffles or Ghiradelli squares is always a welcome addition, and you can suggest that they can be opened with after-dinner coffee and tea, adding to the party atmosphere without eclipsing your host’s preparations.

3. Locally-made products, like honey or preserves. This can be a sweet addition to anyone’s pantry, especially if you know the hosts’ favorite flavor. If the gift can only be gleaned from a local farmer’s market, the time and effort you took to find them shows your appreciation and care. A little can go a long way.

4. Personal specialty items. For one person, a perfect item may be a set of fine stationary, and for another, a little lemon zester they haven’t gotten around to buying. When you are around your friends who do give these dinners, listen to the little details they talk about and pay attention. I often hear people saying things like “I keep wanting to buy that, but it’s just such a little extra, not a necessity.” That’s the type of little gift you want to keep an eye out for.

Stay tuned for part three, where we will discuss how to dress appropriately for dinner parties…

Image via Valley & Co. Lifestyle

The Art of Being A Professional Dinner Guest

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The Art of Being A Professional Dinner Guest | Darling Magazine

Here is my conviction: not all of us are called to be the perfect hostess. Not everybody loves the thrill of planning, preparing, hosting, and decorating events, nor need they. The plain fact is that for every 8-12 friends, we really need only 3-4 who love this position to keep a sort of fun party atmosphere going throughout the year. Though the greater percentage of us might not love the prospect of opening our home and food under the scrutinizing eyes of others, most of us agree to attend them. Which has me thinking… there are many books and cookbooks about hosting etiquette, but what about the guests, the rest of the “group,” the other 66 percent? What makes the perfect dinner guest?

In my early twenties, post-university, I moved to New York and began to work in the field of personal assisting and fashion. Such a profession lacks the glamour one might imagine: in general, I was the afterthought at the end of personal introductions. However, when a few months of trotting to fancy affairs, clutching three Blackberries, and having my hastily smeared-on mascara still drying from the cab ride to the black-tie event had gone by, I began to receive invitations to dinners from people I thought were relative strangers. Though I had met the hosts in passing at prestigious events held outside of my general society or specialty, I still decided to start going. Thus it was, I found myself sipping specialty drinks and eating excruciatingly delicious appetizers, chatting with strangers about everything from my thesis on Wallace Stevens to growing up in inner-city London.

After I was invited to more than one dinner at which I knew only the host or hostess, I began to wonder how it was I was receiving invitations to such events in the first place. Then I noticed a detail that before had seemed coincidental and obscure but which turned out to be foundational. I was always seated beside the odd-person out, whether they were the only professor in a sea of fashionista socialites, or the religious worker in the midst of politicos. One host invited me to his family home leading with “we really need someone to talk to Mr. X (not his real name)—we have to invite him and he never talks, and we heard you were interested in his specialty. And you’re so easy to have around.” Translation: I always dress appropriately, try to make conversation, and bring flowers.

The proverbial light bulb flashed above my head: I had become the type of guest that anyone can invite to their dinner party, cocktail hour, 4th of July BBQ, or potluck dinner. I had become a Professional Dinner Guest.

Thus it is, friends and readers that I wish to embark on a little series where we explore what it takes to become the person no host or hostess needs to worry about inviting. To have those few little qualities that, in fact, culminate to make you a desirable asset to any event. It’s not even a complicated science, but I find, and I think that you’ll agree, that we often forget the little things in this mad rush of world around us.

So, in the upcoming posts in this series, we will to go over the most important things for us to remember before rushing off to our friend’s homes—the little touches that will always have your host, hostess or friend beaming. In essence, we will explore how to be, in your own sphere, a professional and delightful dinner guest.

Image via Sunday Suppers

The Attitude of Furniture

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I just recently rented my first home with my (brand, glistening, sparklingly fresh) husband, and am counting the days until we can move in. I find myself sitting in meetings or movies, ticking through the list of furniture needed, and imagining the wooden floors covered in different styles of throws and sofas; creating an internal creative space in which I can select and remove as many variant styles as I want until I really make this place our home. And so on and so on I imagine and suppose and hope and form.

As particular as I can be about making my new home the “perfect place” for my husband and I to abide in, I have a disproportionate lack of attention to the home that I always live in: the invisible places inside–spirit, soul, mind, imagination and heart. There are so many ways in which I live and move and have my being that are not seen “in the flesh.” My armchairs, sofas, and porch swings aren’t the only articles I recline into. My thoughts dwell in places I choose to go; my emotions hide in habitations I make for them.

If the outer world–my physical house and my actual sofas–is a reflection of the internal world, then that must mean that my heart also longs for something beautiful, comfortable, creative, and personal.

My furniture hunt has therefore led me to read some of my favorite writings on this matter of “the inner home,” and they are of the ancient and inspired order, penned thousands of years ago.

In the history of the Jewish people, there are two most-famous kings: David and Solomon. Solomon is still famous as the wisest man on the earth (and the Israelite king who had the most wives). David, his father, while renown for his encounter with Goliath, was even more famous among his people as a psalmist (meaning he wrote a majority of the Psalms in the Bible, or “songs”). The very first Psalm in the Old Testament was written supposedly by one of these two historic and powerful kings, both of whom received many riches. “They” believed:

“Blessed is the man

who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,

nor stands in the way of sinners,

nor sits in the seat of scoffers…”

What strikes me immediately is that the first advice given by a powerful king has nothing to do with outer riches or possessions, but about internal reality.
The images of standing and sitting and walking all portray a lifestyle; a choice open before any man or woman. The postures are relevant to something internal. It seems that there is a “seat” of scoffing and a “way” of the sinner that I must at all costs avoid furnishing my life with.

The original word for “scoffer” in the ancient Hebrew is “Iuwts,” meaning to “boast, mock, talk arrogantly.” At first, these terms seem vague and unfamiliar (who buys a mocking/scoffing seat?). Yet in essence, the writer is talking about not living a life of mocking that which is virtuous and good; providing a place in our lives where it is comfortable to sit in arrogance. The seat of scoffing is the allowance in my heart to mock what is pure.

When grasping for an example of what this type of “seat” looks like, I can’t help but remember the “Sandra Dee” song in the movie/musical “Grease.” Rizzo, the loose, popular woman waits for the wholesome, virginal, character Sandy (Olivia Newton John before the leather pants) to leave the room and then sings a song mocking her purity. This is the 1980s, technicolor visual/audio scoffing seat.

For me, this imagery of “seats” is incredibly enlightening. It makes me question where I’m sitting, standing, and walking in my day-to-day.

Do I scoff and mock when I ought to look with merciful eyes?

1 Corinthians 13 is read at weddings without a thought to its intensity, and I often sit in the pews thinking “are you kidding?! Love is patient, kind, not self-seeking? Love sounds intensely difficult!” I’ve therefore been reflecting upon the supposition that real love–a life furnished with substantial, life-changing love that (like the end of the scripture says) ”bears all things, believes all things, and hopes all things.”

I’ve mocked and been mocked enough in my life I think. We certainly are less in need of the cynical mocking critics which blogs and newspapers supply in surplus. We need more of those who won’t “sit in that seat.”

Imagine if every seat in your home represented an attitude or posture of your heart. Such language is, after all, where the word attitude even comes from; the dictionary defines the word as: a settled way of thinking or feeling about someone or something, typically one that is reflected in a person’s behavior.

So we must stop and wonder about what kind of home we are making in our hearts—that secret place that is the spirit realm philosophies and religions all try to approach and understand. It all can sound super-spiritual, but I am really suggesting an experiment of furnishing. Creativity for our internal parts, if you will. Let’s shut our eyes and ask ourselves a question: “Where am I living?” And let your imagination go.

For me, I see a wide field, skies going farther and farther back into an eternal expanse, oceans deep and clear with everlasting sights to explore…and I can also see a house: It’s me, my heart; my “inner” home. A place where I languish and rest where nobody can see. And though there is often an open door (for visitors) and a warm fireplace (my passion), I can also see what looks like a judge’s chair from a courtroom dominating one corner. An ugly throne I sometimes just sit in because I’m annoyed and frustrated and tired of hoping for things unseen. But I don’t want to buy the mocking seat–the cynical broken furnishings that abound across the country and earth. I am searching out how to furnish with faith, hope, and love. And let’s be honest: I’m constantly going to be re-modeling.

 

Photo Credit: decor8blog.com