Author Archives: Nicole Ziza Bauer

The Beauty of The C-Word

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When did we become so afraid of the C-word? No, not cancer, credit check or…even the dreaded cash only. I mean the C-word that everyone knows, but no one likes to be reminded of or held accountable to. I’m talking about commitment. It’s nearly been obliterated from our culture’s vernacular and all it takes is a glance at our daily lives for the proof.

Generations ago, back when humans still interacted face-to-face, a bond could be formed through simple spoken word. People talked, agreed, and carried through. No matter the difficulty or inconvenience, to uphold a promise made to another person was considered an act of love, service and respect. Today, perhaps because we’ve inverted the meaning of these words to include “ourselves” at the end, we’ve strayed remarkably far from being able to enjoy our relationships in the rich context we were meant to.

How has this happened? Easy. We love another C-word: control. A by-product of the consumerist culture we are enveloped in, we have been bought, taught and swindled by a message that says we can and should control our worlds. In the mood for something? We can get it, instantly. Changed our minds about something? We can sell it, instantly. Want to feel involved in the lives of others, without actually having to initiate anything on our part at all? We can check our social networks, instantly.

Everything from buying a pair of shoes, to going to a party, to walking down the aisle, revolves around our comfort and convenience (two other C-words we love) which leaves our relationships in a critical condition because we bail on them the second we are placed out of ease. We act as though there has been a cosmic decree that states we are entitled to life working out exactly the way we expect it to with minimal effort on our part, and maximum effort on behalf of everyone else. Yet, where is this philosophy realistically demonstrated in the world around us?

Consider what we behold to be beautiful, miraculous, and courage-giving: the majesty of the Taj Mahal, a baby birthed from the womb of its mother, or the tenacity of Rosa Parks. Don’t our souls rejoice the utmost with these lessons of personal sacrifice, hard patience, and unyielding dedication? Commitment is the thread that binds these displays together, as none would be possible without it. Why do we then think our relationships–which few would argue are the cornerstones of our lives–should be lacking in similar ingredients?

Do we really want paper-thin, mediocre acquaintances that are tossed aside by the smallest of problems? Or does the love that speaks to the core of our being plunge much deeper and weather even the harshest of storms in our lives? Commitment is the anchor that keeps us afloat when we feel the pull to drown; enabling us to go beyond what naturally we would be comfortable with to brave newer and greater heights, to hold us to something bigger than just our own self-interest, and to carve in our hearts a new C-word to replace the fear: courage.

 

Photo Credit: serendipitousromance  via a Well Traveled Woman

Use Your Words

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It involves the tongue, the lips, the jaw, the lungs, the glottis, and the vocal tract. It uniquely requires both hemispheres of the brain, various neurotransmitters and long-reaching nerves. It is learned, memorized and exercised with thought, intelligence and feeling.

Sometimes.

Sometimes our speech is far more complicated than that. What we say, how we say it, and the all-important why we say what we do, is enough of a complication and social stumper–that it’s no wonder “communication is the key” to any lasting relationship. Just to formulate and execute speech requires dozens of fine-tuned actions stemming from internal and external inputs in our bodies, so it is even more important to caution ourselves when it comes to how we use that in relating to the people we are closest with. We cannot underestimate the power that dozens of seemingly harmless words or careless comments can have on a person, and we also cannot shirk the responsibility for the direction our words take us in.

The beauty is that we have the authority to choose which direction that will be. Just how it takes countless individual yet unified actions of the body to formulate speech, the countless, casual utterances of our mouths can similarly build a relationship–or destroy one. A strong foundation isn’t solidified solely in one phrase. The “I love you” or the “I do” is legitimized throughout the day according to how we use the rest our words and in what context. Even the simplest of situations, be it on the phone, in an email or a text, can provide ample opportunity to bolster a relationship if words are used to uplift and affirm–not to criticize or discourage.

It is easy to love when on display, but it’s in the quiet, private moments with those we care about that serve as the real test of a relationship. Are we using our words as intentionally as we can be? Is the majority of what we say truly a reflection of how our heart feels toward those we love? Do we need to speak up, or put our hands over our mouths? The answer lies in evaluating what we’re really saying–before the vocal tract engages…

 

Photo Credit: modernhepburn.tumblr.com

No Place for Paper Men

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A man is not a mystery. A relationship is.

To understand what makes a man, you need to know what makes a relationship. Otherwise, one will never exist. A relationship is something fashioned by two entities, two parties, two people, coming together to make something wholly new that has never existed before. A relationship, therefore, cannot exist independently from the pieces that make it up–similar to how a flame cannot exist separate from a candle and a match.

And yet, isn’t this how we treat them? We view relationships as if they are a universal entity all their own: something to be gained, something to be prized, and something to be worshipped. With the crayons of societal stereotypes and selfish pleasures, we sketch in our minds what we want a relationship to be and then go in search of the perfect paper man to draw it out on.

Is that really how it works?

Is the beauty of a painting locked solely in an artist’s mind? No. A masterpiece is seen through the blending of canvas and brush: the two coming together, the two becoming one, the paper to compliment the paint in creating a work of art that has previously never been.

So for us women, as we pine away and yearn for the day an engagement ring finally graces our hand, perhaps we first need to realize what it is a diamond ring truly represents. Made of metal, something strong and able, but not overbearing, the band in an act of quiet protection delicately lifts up its radiant prize to be gazed upon and cherished. The diamond–a hard, natural material in and of itself–is in no means forcing its strength upon the band, but is instead able to freely reflect and refract the light through the support the band gives it.

It is, in fact, a relationship.

We are, in fact, jewels. And perhaps more so than jewels, we are women. We are uniquely strong, uniquely radiant, and uniquely have ways we need to be supported and protected. A man doesn’t make us what we are, but because of what we are a man enables us to become something more beautiful. In turn, we enable a man to do the same. Together, in relationship, we make a picture of service and support, strength and beauty, security and freedom.

Man and woman.

 

Photo Credit: awelltraveledwoman.tumblr.com

Something to Sleep On

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It’s a sign of youth and a sign of maturity to bypass some shut-eye in favor of late nights; whether it takes the form of giggling at a sleep-over, pulling an all-nighter at finals, or just having an on-the-go lifestyle with unceasing social networking, sleep is more often than not left paying the bill when it comes to the list of our priorities. We’re over-committed to everything but our bedtime, and as disciplined as we would like to be with our eating habits, exercise regime and wardrobe choices, should we really be so quick to eliminate sleep from the equation for a healthy life?

Consider this. Imagine you are the loving mother of five spunky toddlers. You feed them several times a day, change their diapers, wash their clothes, provide them with stimulating and educational play, all the while paying bills, catching up with friends, and feeding and clothing yourself. Now imagine if those five, precious, dear children of yours never went to sleep. They never had play dates, never left for pre-school, and were never on anyone else’s watch. You had to care for them 24 hours a day, seven days a week, with not even an hour of time dedicated to yourself. What would life start to look like? What would you start to look like? Same outfit? Nutrient-deficient meals? A house worthy of an appearance on Hoarders?

This is exactly what happens when we don’t sleep. Our brain is like our mother, and we are a helpless toddler totally reliant on its wise, serving and beneficial care. When we go to sleep we are giving our maternal-minds a break; our body, along with its needs and demands, rests but our brain is still active, much like the quiet calm afforded a mother whose children have settled down to nap. While we sleep our brain sorts out and organizes the events of the day: what we did, what we ate, what fat should be broken down, what hormones should be made, etc. After a good night’s sleep (7-9 hours, ladies) we wake more beautiful (thanks to natural detox-ing and muscle repair), better able to think, metabolize food and with more energy to mount whatever our day brings. When we don’t sleep, our brains become that over-worked mother without a scrap of time to her self. She’ll overlook our needs, dress us in whatever she can find, and Heaven forbid… begin to resent us and keep things for herself. This is why weight gain, emotional disorders, heart, skin and a dozen of other physiological ailments have all been linked to poor sleeping habits. Our brain, and subsequently our bodies, gets stingy with us. Despite whatever healthy and responsible lifestyles we adopt, if our brain can’t adequately process it then we can say goodbye to the baby and the bathwater.

Mutual submission sure has a harmonious tune: love your bed, your body will love you, you’ll love your body.

Sweet dreams.