Author Archives: Adrienne Sandvos

About Adrienne Sandvos

Adrienne Sandvos is a writer, student, and lover of world culture. She and her husband reside in Northern California, where they work together as documentary filmmakers focused on human rights issues. (www.thepinkroommovie.com)

Misunderstood

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Misunderstood | Darling Magazine

One of the most frustrating and helpless feelings I have ever experienced is being misunderstood with no way to fix it. No matter how much we try to communicate, and no matter how much we try to be ourselves, sometimes our inner workings are too different from each other to truly see the ground floor of someone. Through the years, it has become easier for me to accept because I have been graciously gifted with a handful of people that can see through to the core of who I am. I know that not everyone is so lucky, and some personality types suffer more than others. It truly grieves me to think about those women who feel like no one sees them.

It is safe to say that I have spent a lot of my life feeling misunderstood. I know that it is developmental in a way for young people, but there has always been this lingering, nagging feeling inside of me that people cannot see my heart. I have always longed to be known and understood. I have always craved understanding, for someone to just know what makes me tick. No explanations needed. No buffers or disclaimers. No fear. But we are all just humans. We are not perfect, and there are a few things I have learned that have kept me afloat when, for whatever reason, someone’s eyes are closed to my heart.

Ground Yourself In Truth
Being misunderstood leaves us feeling insecure. When someone looks at you with judgment or assumption, it is so easy to feel unloved. As people, we hunger for love in a very deep way and being denied it can shake us to our bones. It can leave us defensive, overly sensitive, and confrontational. Or many times, it can leave us just plain sad. It is important to own that feeling, but respond to it with truth. You don’t have to believe it right away, but when you constantly remind yourself of what is real: that you have worth, value, and deserve to be loved for who you are, eventually it will begin to sink in. If you feel like you can’t do it, go to a trusted loved one that you know will. Ask them to lay it on you so that you can hear it from somewhere. There is no shame in asking for a little love when the world is trying to twist your mind.

Let It Go
At some point, everyone will find herself in a situation in a relationship that is truly unfair. Accusation will fly, deception will creep in, and pride will rear its ugly head. In those moments, it is worth fighting for truth, but we have to have the wisdom to know where the line is. And we must know that ultimately, it is not our job to defend ourselves. We will not always be able to correct a wrong perception or explain until understanding comes. There are times when you have to open up your hands and let it go. That means letting someone perceive you in a way that you know is untrue. I have been in many situations where I eventually have to let an offensive comment go because I know I won’t be able to convince the person to see me for who I know I am. I have also made the mistake of fighting too hard for justice when it will never come. In letting go, we have to also let go of our own offenses and remember the times that we have done the same to others. Holding on to the hurt and building resentment against someone who does not understand you is not only counterproductive; it makes your heart feel sick.

Be And Stay Real
Look in the mirror. Get honest. It’s not all flowers and butterflies in there, is it? Part of being understood is not just being known for the goodness inside of you. If you really want to be seen you will have to be real about the things you are not proud of as well. When we are confronted with something we feel is not justified, the first question we ask ourselves has to be, “Is this true?” Sometimes it will be and sometimes it won’t be. We have to consider it and let it roll around inside of ourselves before we gear up for war. Sometimes it may be helpful to ask for another outside perspective. Being misunderstood can also create a tendency for us to be closed off. Don’t let the pain of misunderstanding and loss make you hide who you are. It takes a lot of courage to commit to being yourself when who you are has not always been appreciated.

If you are lucky enough to be the steward of friendships that give you the room to be transparent, be sure to return the favor and celebrate the people you care about. If you want unconditional love, you will have to give it. If you want to be seen, you will have to see, for yourself. If you want to be safe in relationships, you will have to create a safe place for others as well. Be more concerned about being free from anger than about getting justice, and you will have the opportunity to not only live it, but also teach it.

Image via Modern Hepburn

Darling Beauty Revolution

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Beauty Revolution | Darling Magazine

On New Years Day, we’re baring it all.

In February, I had a few girlfriends over for what would later be known as the “Naked Brunch.” I had the opportunity to write about it here on Darling Magazine and showcase the beautiful faces of those women just as they are—with no make-up. Darling readers responded. The article was read, re-read, and posted over and over again on the Facebook pages of many women. It got us thinking…

Social media is an entertaining outlet and effective way to keep our loved ones that are far away informed about our lives, but it has also become a significant source of competition among women. Comparison swells up and insecurity eats away at us when we see the highlight reel of someone else’s life displayed in pictures and statuses. We innocently but often play into the expectations that media has outlined for women by attempting to paint an image that mirrors what we see in the magazine pages. We become desperate to portray ourselves in a way that will encourage others to admire us, instead of just being real.

Part of Darling Magazine’s mission is to lead women to “discover beauty apart from vanity.” What better time to start afresh in our perspectives than on New Year’s Day? And what better place to do that than our virtual playground of envy?

Join us for Darling Magazine’s Beauty Revolution and make a statement about something real and beautiful: you. We invite women near and far to change their profile pictures to a makeup-free photo for 24 hours on New Year’s Day. Bare it all. Before you glam it up, snap a picture of the real you, then post it for the world to see and break down the towering walls of competition that these platforms can sometimes build up. If you’re with us, share this article to get the word out, and on New Years Day, post your bare-faced photo along with this (or something similar in your own words) as your status:

“I’m starting my New Year by going bare. Today I’ve changed my profile picture to celebrate REAL beauty. This year, I want to try a little harder to love the girl that looks at me from the mirror in the mornings, before the mascara and flat iron do their work. I want to participate in building a new beauty culture that will encourage women to be and love themselves instead of contributing to the jealousy, self hatred, and competition that social media often perpetuates between women. To join Darling Magazine’s Beauty Revolution and take your own stand, click here: darlingmagazine.org/darling-beauty-revolution.”

This challenge is the start of something bigger—the start of us women learning what beauty is really all about. Want to dig deeper? Check out some of our previous articles on real, lasting beauty…

- The Naked Brunch by Adrienne Sandvos
- My Body Is A Story by Adrienne Sandvos
- The Character of Beauty Series by Natalie Lynn Borton
- Healthy Girl Talk: Redefining Beauty by Natalie Lynn Borton
- Healthy vs. Skinny by Natalie Lynn Borton
- Loving Your Body Now: Overcoming Conditional Confidence by Natalie Lynn Borton
- Photoshopping Our Souls Away by Sarey McIvor
- Seen, Known, Loved: Messy Hair & Vulnerability by Stephanie May

Are you joining the Darling Beauty Revolution? Leave us a comment and let us know!

The Pink Room

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The following is a reflection about The Pink Room, a documentary Adrienne and her husband produced surrounding the story of a young girl who grew up in a brothel in Cambodia. To find out more about The Pink Room, which features and honors the work of Agape International Missions, go to www.thepinkroom.com, or visit the Facebook page.

This girl wrinkles her nose up when she laughs. When the spotlight is on her, she gets a little embarrassed, ducking her head down and to one side, smiling. She loves fashion—bright colors and patterns, and designs clothes for her friends. She is an young but independent, successful business owner, doing just that.

Can you picture her? Can you see her in your mind? Is she walking in the misty air of San Francisco or on the wet pavement of New York City? Does she have a Starbucks in hand? An adorable vintage briefcase and thick knitted scarf draped about her?

This beautiful young woman’s name is Mien. She lives in Svay Pak, Cambodia in a small roofed and walled home that she is very proud to call her own. She walks down the dirt road among the scratching chickens to reach the tailor shop that she owns, where she makes a very decent living that she uses to support her mother and siblings. She is respected in the community, but this was not always the case because Mien spent many years of her young life living in a brothel as a sex slave.

When my husband and I first found out that we had the opportunity to produce a documentary about Mien’s story, we were excited. We were overwhelmed. We were full of anticipation and vision. I dropped Joel off at the airport with all his camera gear and kissed him goodbye, but when I picked him up a couple of weeks later, he had left a part of himself there, in Cambodia, and in a way, he has not been the same since. After the year we spent working on the documentary, neither am I.

I have never had the pleasure of meeting Mien face to face, but she has changed me; she has widened my view. Getting older, growing up, it all presses in on you and turns the pottery wheel. You change shape and take form in ways you cannot anticipate. When looking at an issue as complex and painful as child sex slavery, the breath pulls up out of your lungs. The mind races, then stops altogether before it turns off and battens down the hatches. It prepares for the fifty foot wave of reality towering over you, waiting to wash in and carry your innocence away. Then when you try and channel that experience through an artistic medium, it seems both impossible and unbearable.

This is how I felt, all those late nights, watching footage of Mien and girls just like her in Cambodia. In some supernatural, and very minimal way, I have been connected with her experience and her pain. As we have crafted and formed this film, I can see the child version of myself there, with them. These little girls play games in the streets with their neighbors and have crushes on boys. These little girls cry when their feelings get hurt and draw pictures in the dirt. These little girls are captured, sold, and raped over and over again, for a majority of their childhood.

I say this because it is important for me to understand that I am Mien. We are these little girls, because we are all women, and their cause is our cause.

Their cause is my cause.

Being a part of making The Pink Room has ruined us, in many ways. It is both easy and hard to do the day to day of the abundant American life when your eyes have been opened to the world and what it is facing. More than anything else, it has made us feel small—so, so incredibly small. In 2012, The Pink Room was accepted and screened in twelve different film festivals and has received twelve awards. Mien’s face and story have touched countless souls and has redefined courage, womanhood, and healing to many through film.

When discussing art’s ability to communicate across social and cultural barriers, Mallika Sarabhai, a dancer, politician, and women’s rights activist in India, said that “in a world that is so hard to change, we need a language that makes it through.” Art is an underground river in all of us that connects us to one another and it is so wide and so deep that in some capacity, everyone is an artist. We can produce art for mere entertainment and pleasure or we can carry it as a banner with a message. In this case, our humble work of art carries Mien’s reflection of overcoming victimization and represents the millions on our planet that are victims of human trafficking.

That river will grow wider and the waters will rise higher as we connect to the world and share ourselves through artistic expression. While we’re at it, we can each carry the banner of something or someone that perhaps, cannot carry their own.

We hope you’ll now take a moment to watch the trailer for The Pink Room…

Image via The Pink Room

Nothing Sacred: Emotional Immodesty

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This is continued from Nothing Sacred: Verbal Immodesty…

Transparency. This was a hot topic in the church a few years ago. Everything was about being real, like an open book. Because of our tendency as humans to hide and cover up our shortcomings, this movement has served to bring release to many people and it has done a lot of good. It is a powerful concept, but closely related to something not so healthy that is becoming a norm in our society. Our emotional scales sometimes tip over transparency to emotional immodesty, and we are often the ones that pay the price for it.

Sometimes our need to feel known and loved can become harmful. Sharing yourself with someone requires wisdom and discretion. In an attempt to be “real,” we can cut ourselves open and fall apart so that others can pick up the pieces and carry our burdens. This is not real so much as it is sensational. It may feel better in the moment to allow yourself to go to the depths of your emotions and let go of your reason, and sometimes that is what we must do. But it can become a habit that not only exposes you to potential pain, but also drains and exhausts the people around you.

We all have feelings, and some of us feel things more strongly than others. But emotional immodesty does not make a person real. It is a form of self discipline to harness your thoughts and use wisdom in the midst of something challenging and private. There is no merit in sinking into emotional oblivion and pulling the people around you down with you so that you have company. It also serves to replace the one place that we actually need to go when we are falling apart. Instead of confronting our feelings with God, who is the one that can truly guide us, we use the people around us as sounding boards to echo our pain back to us over and over again. In these times, our need for human validation can tempt us to abandon our wisdom.

In the same way, it is a form of self respect to value your story and choose carefully who you share the deepest parts of yourself with. Telling every stranger the most private details of your life leaves you naked. It is unrealistic to expect others to cherish our hearts the way they need to be, when we do not treat our own stories and feelings as sacred. Both of these things are the fibers that knit us together, and deserve to be treated as such.

If this is something you have a pattern of doing, a good question to ask yourself is why you do it. Is there a void that is filled in its practice? Is there something you are finding in the experience that is fulfilling you? Motivations will range from person to person. The beautiful thing about this is that the deep parts of us are meant to be shared and are best enjoyed in healthy environments. Just as we explored with the physical and the verbal, treating these things has sacred makes them a cherished gift for the people in your life that mean the most to you. And on a practical level, these are also the people that you can trust to treat them with respect.

Our feelings and experiences are priceless and they are in our possession to do with what we please. We can be frivolous with that treasure or hoard it, but real growth, love, and perspective will grace those that share it the way it was meant to be shared.

 

Image via A Well Traveled Woman

Nothing Sacred: Verbal Immodesty

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This is continued from Nothing Sacred: Physical Immodesty…

I have never been great at filtering my speech. I have been known to say exactly what I think, exactly when I think it. I used to see it as a strength, because others seemed to see it that way. But the ugly truth was that I was hurting people left and right with my thoughts and opinions because of my own lack of self control.

Although there is merit in honesty and being able to express ourselves, our culture has begun to label verbal immodesty as fearless self-expression. This can definitely be true, but there is profound wisdom in bridling our tongues. Freedom of speech is abused and forsaken when we use it to disrespect ourselves and others, or more simply, when we fail to be considerate. It is not brave or courageous to spout out everything we are thinking. More often, it is reckless.

The most prevalent example of this for women would be gossip, but I would like to go a little deeper than that. Like we discussed in the first article of this series, the way we treat something often reflects the value that we place upon it. We have to have as much respect for our own words as we hope others will have for them. We have to see them as vital tools necessary to fulfill our own potentials and encourage the potential that we see in others. In other words, they must become sacred.

Our ability to be effective dies a slow death when we are impulsive and overly audacious. With every hasty breath, our words lose their weight. Thoughts and opinions become white noise and we lose the voice that was once very clear. Credibility is crucial to someone that feels they have something to share. Our minds are precious, and our speech has the power to transform. We can build and we can tear down with the authority of our words and the choice is entirely ours.

If you have a gift with your ability to communicate, you have been given something priceless to steward. Manage your words the way you would manage your fortune—with discretion, prudence, and restraint. You may find that instead of stifling you, it actually frees you to speak with more authority. Otherwise, you will find yourself surrounded by deaf ears and empty relationships.

Stay tuned for the final article of this series, where we will explore how our culture of immodesty changes the way we share our stories and our feelings with the people around us.

 

Image via the-northernlight.com

Nothing Sacred: Physical Immodesty

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I live in a culture of immodesty. I grew up here.

When we hear the wo

rd “modesty,” we usually associate it with the way a woman dresses, but it does not just manifest in the way we present our bodies; it has bled into the emotional and verbal realms of who we are as individuals as well. It leaves me wondering: Is anything sacred? In this article, the first of three, we will be looking at physical immodesty.

We need a change of perspective. I don’t want to keep hearing about why the girl on the cover of Maxim is there. Who can really know the answer to that question? However, I can tell you the message it sends to many young women: that if they can appeal to someone’s sexual appetite, they will, in turn, be beautiful and desirable. Dealing with why women are marketed the way that they are is a very complex issue that deserves attention, but what I’d like to focus on is the woman as an individual.

Instead of analyzing why a woman dresses more provocatively, it is worth investigating why a woman does not. It is a popular argument to interpret a woman’s physical immodesty as freedom—that it is evidence of her ability to embrace her own sexuality and be proud of her body. The consequence of this perspective is that it sometimes suggests that modesty is a symptom of shame. I would have to argue that modesty makes a woman no more ashamed of her body than asserting nakedness makes her strong in her identity. An attitude that says “this is my body; it belongs to me” is, in fact, a practice of embracing sexuality on a very real level.

When this debate arises, as with anything that includes grey areas, we feel the need to make very clear rules, particularly for teenage girls. How much skin is too much? How many inches from the knee? How tight is too tight? While we believe there should be some definitive lines in this area, (which will be discussed in future Darling articles) sometimes it’s hard to chisel out a formula when the heart of the issue should be the intent behind how we dress. There should be “modesty lines” for every woman, yet some of the smaller lines may differ from one woman to the next dependent on body type and other physical factors—but the key question is whether a woman is allowing herself to be objectified or objectifying herself.

What is challenging about this question, is that just like the girl on the Maxim cover, no one can answer that question for anyone else. After we have accepted that, we can move on to the next hurdle which is something we have all been guilty of. If we really want to see women walk in freedom from objectification, then it is imperative that we stop chaining women in our own judgment. Division only further alienates us from the people that we are called to love and accept. It is not our responsibility to tear down a woman that thinks differently than we do. Culture will never change that way.

Ask yourself if you consider your body and your sexuality sacred. If the answer is yes, then ask yourself how that reality changes the way you treat it. Speak truth about worth and identity to the women that you have been given the privilege to call friends and family. This is the precious seed that has the potential to grow into redefining modesty in a culture. The physical beauty of a woman is to be celebrated, respected, and awed, but more than that, it is to be valued. It is a gift for who she has given it to.

In the next article of this series, we will take a look at how the concept and practice of immodesty affects our speech, and in turn, our relationships.

 

Image via allureofsimplicity.com

The Naked Brunch

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It wasn’t easy, that’s for sure. I thought I had a cute idea when I asked a handful of friends to do a little experiment with me. I invited them over to my house for brunch one chilly, drizzly February morning to participate in a little photo shoot. Warm muffins, bubbly mimosas, creamy espresso, and friends. Magic, right?

There was only one catch–NO make up. It didn’t take long for my cute little idea lose its cuteness. Some said no. Some asked questions, cringing. Some were excited. Some said nothing at all. We ended up with eight women that morning. For some, it was uncomfortable. For some, it seemed easy. The real challenge came when we saw the photos. There was gritting teeth. There was anxiety. I squirmed a little, looking into my own eyes on the computer screen and it began: “Is my face really curved like that?,” “My nose is shaped so weird,” “Why does my right eye always look kind of sloped?,” and “My eyebrows need pencil so bad!”

And I wasn’t alone. There was a unease and awkwardness in seeing them. Us. Just the way we are. Just the way we were created. It’s not something that will change overnight. One little revolutionary brunch can’t cure a disease. Not when we’ve been indoctrinated our entire lives to strive for beauty instead of finding it in the rest of just being who we are. These are the women that husbands wake up to every morning. These women are real.

If I can find a way to grab hold of it, somehow cling to that reality, I can love that girl in the mirror before she has her make up on. What difference does it make? At that point, I can adorn the beauty I have instead of trying to fabricate a beauty clone. My make-up becomes decoration instead of a mask and I have nothing to hide.

Photo Credit: Photos taken by Adrienne Sandvos. A huge thank you to the brave women who allowed me to use their pictures!

My Body is A Story

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I remember the first time I saw Mary Shore. She was one of those people that carry a presence with them wherever they go. She had a wonderful rugged, natural beauty about her that I loved; looking at her, you knew something about her life. She had dark textured skin that told of days in the sun, and eyes that were framed by sweet trailing lines–the handiwork of years of smiling. Her hair was long and dark with greying strands (a tribute to her age), and she had a strong yet delicate stature. Her figure said that she was a mom, but her physique spoke of an adventurous, active spirit. I didn’t meet Mary until only a couple of years before her precious life was lost in a car accident. But these are things I will never forget about her. She taught me something about beauty.

The truth is that our bodies often tell a story, but there are some truths we don’t want to actually see. It goes without saying that any physical sign of aging is generally rejected in the media world, thus setting a standard of beauty that is inseparable from the appearance of youth. Attributes that may have once testified to life experience and wisdom are now worn like a scarlet letter. Wrinkles need wrinkle cream. Greying hair needs hair dye.

What is most interesting to me is how directly related many self “improvements” are to being pre-maternal. Post-baby breasts tell the story of the little ones you nursed in the dark hours of the night, and the stretch marks on your abdomen tell the tale of the nine months you carried that child inside of you. Yet when we see these things, we see something different: Imperfection that needs to be remedied. Deflated looking breasts need to be fuller and perkier. Sagging or scarred stomach skin needs to be tightened up. Flat rumps need a lift. No body part is exempt. We are willing to go to great lengths to maintain and manipulate our bodies in their natural form so that we can edit the insinuations our bodies make.

There is a natural cause and effect system in life that exists for everyone. When we go through a major life change, many times we wear it. In the same way, when we abuse our bodies, there can be visible consequences. Somewhere along the line we decided we wanted to try and rewrite that story, and we found a way to do it. We want to control the content of the message that others read when they look at us, along with our skewed interpretation we’ve developed when we look into the mirror.

I was recently talking with a friend about her future plans for her own cosmetic surgery to restore her once firm and slender tummy to its former glory. When I suggested that it might be motivated by her desire for others to see her as beautiful, she answered, “It’s not because I care what other people think. It’s because I think it’s ugly. I think it’s gross. I’m doing it for myself.” I could see that she was sincere and it made me begin to understand that it’s not as simple as insecurity and self-comparison. The more complex issue at hand is the conditional love we’ve placed upon ourselves. We can’t really love ourselves or embrace the stories our bodies tell unless they are telling the version of the truth that we are comfortable with. We have solidly converted to an unnatural and alien view of what beauty is. We want to create a fantasy-land of beauty where anyone can be anything. There is one major problem with that: It’s not reality! We are willing to put our bodies through the trauma of anesthesia, surgical lacerations, laser burns, narcotics, and painful recovery time so that we can comply.

As women, we have to love truth more than we love control if we are ever going to be able to love ourselves and others unconditionally. We have to learn to be OK with what is instead of feeding the silent beast of self-hatred by trying to force what is not. If we don’t, the original story gets lost in the pile of revisions.

I don’t want to cast a blanket of judgment upon women who have had cosmetic surgery or use a beauty regimen. No doubt there are a myriad of reasons and motivations behind a woman’s decision to alter her body as well as infinite “grey areas” within its grandiose scope. Instead, I just honestly want to encourage us as women to seriously think about our opinions on these issues, as we should with any belief or conviction we hold. My hope is that our view on our own beautification is a thoughtful one. And more importantly, that we can fully accept ourselves not only for who we really are, but also for what story our physical appearance may tell those who look upon us. When we put the pen down and stop trying to rewrite the story, we may discover and enjoy a different kind of beauty altogether.

 

*Photo Credits: Mary Shore pictured as a young mother. Contributed by her son, Seth Shore.